Thursday, 5 April 2012

Closing Time

We've decided that we're not going to pursue having a baby through IVF for a while, perhaps indefinitely. As the process has gone on I've felt more and more that it wasn't/isn't the right course for us, at least at this time. There are other things going on that I need to focus on, and that will take us into the next year at least.

Because of this decision, I've also decided to stop blogging, and for the most part to stop reading within the ALI community. I'm going to leave the site up, but I will disable comments soon as I don't want the blog to become a dumping ground for advertising.

My decision to step away from the ALI community has been difficult, but I've found that blogging, and reading other blogs has made me more introspective and involved in my infertility than I perhaps would have been otherwise. The same goes for me and journalling. I become far more tangled up in my feelings when I'm writing them down.

Blogging, and my continued failure to have a baby, has made me very aware of my complex feelings connected to the whole thing, and for that I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to everyone for their kind, thoughtful comments over the year or so I've been blogging on this issue.

The nature of the posts on this blog means that I don't feel comfortable reworking it to another topic. It's a shame but anonymity is important to me, especially to a lot of people in my personal life who don't know about our infertility. If I start blogging on some other topic, I will post a link on this site, but at the moment I don't know if I will.

Thanks again to everyone for their support, and I'm hoping that your journey to have a child goes more smoothly than mine has so far!


Thursday, 22 March 2012

After, therefore because of

I'm prefacing this whole blog post with saying that I do want a baby, and that I want my family to include children.

It's a couple of weeks since my third failed embryo transfer after my second fresh IVF cycle. If there was a model for a cycle that was going brilliantly, and then failed on every single level, it was my previous one. I can't blame the doctors for anything. Two lovely blastos failed to implant. The five other blastos didn't reach a point where they could be frozen.

I've been thinking a lot about the way forward from here. While I know I could go through another series of stimms and retrieval, I honestly don't think I could handle another two week wait and another BFN. Logic says that keeping going will eventually lead to success, but I'm at a point where I can't imagine that success any more.

Here's something else: Having a baby won't make me happy. It's a fairly drastic statement to make, especially on a fertility blog, but bear with me. I've been assuming that I'm unhappy with things in my life because I'm infertile. That I will write more once I can get pregnant, because infertility is causing my writer's block. That my work is tiring and difficult because I'm depressed about my infertility.

My writer's block is caused by my own procrastination and laziness. Also, I'm infertile.

My work is tiring, stressful and difficult. In addition, I'm infertile.

The easier one to consider is my work. I need to make some big decisions about my work. Do I stay in this field and invest more time and energy to move up into management or training? I'm not really satisfied just going to work day in day out. I always want to do more and feel dissatisfied if I don't. My work environment is not overtly competitive, but it is a fairly intense atmosphere that does not allow anyone to 'sit still' and just be. I like this in many ways, but it also makes you feel like you're never doing enough. But it's not just my current office that makes me feel this way. I always feel this way.

I have to make a decision, which I postponed last year, about further training which will be all consuming and will take about ten months. I would have to put fertility treatments on hold. I'm not really sure I want to do this training, ever, but I feel like I should. To move up any further in my work, I need to do it.

Getting pregnant was a way of avoiding this decision. If I have a baby, says my illogical mind, I won't feel the need to move on and up. I will feel this need, it's my nature.

I won't go into the writer's block at the moment, as I don't think it's something that can be deconstructed, except to say that my previous thinking was ridiculous, and that I have to stop being so lazy.

So that's it. I want a baby and will be very happy if I have one, but in the long term it won't solve my other problems. Those go deeper. Also, I'm infertile.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Ladies! The language! My goodness...

First off, thank you so much for your comments on yesterday's post. It makes me feel a hell of a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one pissed off about this complete failure of a cycle. Now onto my main comment:

The language! Call yourself 'ladies.' I don't think I've ever seen such swearing in the comments section of a blog. It was pretty funny to see comment after comment chock full of swear words (curse word for you people using N. Am. English). I was in the pub (wasting no time in the healing process, get back in the alcoholic saddle again as soon as the clock struck 5) doing an incredibly difficult (ergo boring) pub quiz when I checked my blog for comments. The first two had such filthy language I had to read them out to my husband. His comment was 'I'm glad I didn't tell my mother to read your blog.' It was excellent and really cheered me up. 

We didn't win the quiz. Sample question: If you drank red wine all night, what colour would your faeces be the next day? We wrote black. The answer was green. I dispute this.

After that we went to the noraebang for two hours, which is a private karaoke room. Usually it's the kind of place you go with groups of people (like for birthdays or work parties) but my husband and I both love singing so we occasionally go on our own and just sing whatever we want without having to share the microphone with other people. Last night we ended up specialising in 80s songs including Duran Duran: Hungry Like the Wolf which is such an awesome song. I love Duran Duran.

Thanks to you guys, and a night out with dh I feel better. No decisions made as yet, but I'm meeting up with a fellow IF blogger later today to talk things through a bit. I needed to talk to someone who's been through it. Plus I get to meet her new baby for which I can't wait. (Babies don't bother me, pregnancies do!)

Many thanks again you foul-mouthed ladies!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Beta = 0

Went in this morning to get the Beta done 3 days early. There was no point waiting as my period had well and truly started. It was only one day early from my natural cycle, so at least it wasn't the same problem as my first fresh cycle.

The nurse called me back a few hours earlier than expected, but the result was as I had predicted: 0. 

Really not sure what to do with all this at the moment. Dr K has suggested doing a hydroscopy, though he said himself that there were no indications that I need one. He seems as frustrated as I am. He kept looking through my notes trying to figure out what he was missing. When the nurse called me back she said at the beginning of my next cycle we can discuss whether we want to do it.

We don't have any frozen from our seven lovely blastos. That's the risk of going to blasto stage I suppose. If we go again we go again from scratch in a few months. 

We don't know if we want to try again. Reading nearly everyone else's experiences tells me that eventually it should work, but part of me now doesn't believe IVF is ever going to work for us. I know this feeling is connected to the fact that we've just had a failed cycle, but I can't bring myself to be excited about another cycle.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Spotting 6dp5dt

The title says it all.

I always knew IVF would be difficult; I also thought it would work. 

It was of course too good to be true: nine eggs, *seven* blastos. Everything looked like it just might work out for us this time. I even felt that *this was it*. Beware hubris.

Please don't write anything about implantation bleeding or positives after early bleeding. Those kinds of miraculous things happen to other people, not me.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

No News... 5dp5dt

Still waiting my 2WW. No symptoms that couldn't be the progesterone. I'm feeling stressed today, because I didn't sleep well last night. Not sure when (if) I'm going to test.

In good news AF has held off longer than my last fresh cycle.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Transfer done

I have two blastos on board! They showed me them on the screen and they looked like blobby things made of cells.

We got seven blastos in total. I honestly can't believe that, but there it is. Dr K said that one of the other five was already looking dodgy, but they were going to see how many of the remainder get to 7 days, and if they do they will freeze them.

I didn't take the valium today, and didn't find a massive difference in term of discomfort levels. Also it means that I won't feel weird for the rest of the day today and exhausted tomorrow.

That's all for now. Beta on 10th March, which seems an age away...