However last night we went out for dinner and afterwards we were in a bar having a drink. I don't know how it got started but we were talking about names, about Godparents (we're neither of us even Christian) about all the things I have been banning conversation about. It was so much fun and it was nice to be hopeful, rather than cautiously pessimistic.
What this proved to me was that my hopes are well and truly up, even if I'm constantly repeating to my husband that it might not happen.
I'm so scared of being disappointed, of going through the pain of a bfn after the treatment, of getting a bfp but then having a miscarriage. I am terrified of everything. I hate when my brain starts running down these holes of fear, as it's really difficult to get out of them.
I think I can handle this pain if it happens - I think I'm quite a strong person, and I know women who have been through multiple miscarriages and endless problems and are still standing and have gone on to have healthy babies. They've kept going because the hope is stronger than the fear. And I know the same thing will apply to me, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared.