POAS = pee on a stick
hpt = home pregnancy test
bfp = big fat positive, and the more significant:
bfn = big fat negative.
Over the last few days, a couple of other bloggers out there have been testing, or talking about testing and it's made me try to organise about my own thoughts about POAS.
When I was pregnant last year, before I knew it was ectopic, I was testing every day. I was spotting, and knew down in my gut that there was something wrong, so I tested every day, looking to see whether the line was thicker or darker. Was this test more sensitive than this one? How about this one? The day after my first bfp, I took a clear blue which read 2-3 weeks. Then two weeks later I did another which read 3+ weeks.
I remember I had woken up very early that morning to do the second CB test. After the initial relief that the number had gone up, I got back into bed and had a real sinking feeling. Now, nearly a year later I don't know why that was. I had thought before that I was having an early miscarriage, but if the test showed an increase in hcg, then what was happening? I knew it wasn't good.
A week after my surgery, I had to have a blood test to make sure there was no residual matter still growing. The day before I POAS, and got the bfn I logically wanted. But I was, on a deeper level, really disappointed. I waited so long for a bfp, and then for two weeks I had two lines! I got two lines! Two! After years of one line sitting there alone, with me sitting alone in the bathroom with it. I had two!
Until I didn't anymore.
Since then, my relationship with hpts has changed. Since the surgery my cycle has been more erratic than previously, and there have been months where I have been nearly a week 'late.' Now, I use hpts not because I'm hoping I might be pregnant, but because I need reassurance that I'm not. If I were able to conceive naturally, we've been told that the chances of another ectopic would be quite high. The control and monitoring of IVF is a relief compared to the risk of that again, no matter the negative side of it.
When we finally reach a point of ET, maybe my relationship with hpts will improve again, but for now my heart pounds when I use one, and I'm not quite sure what I want to see.