I've since changed jobs, and while I am still sad about loss of the life I thought I would be living by now, I am no longer grieving it. I am happier now, and even going back to work after the Christmas break doesn't seem so bad. I think this is because we are now starting to pursue IVF, after taking a break from ttc for the most part of 2010. It wasn't until we decided that it was time to start pursuing it actively again that I felt happy.
As a big part of all this, I have decided to try to stop drinking so much. This is something that I have been considering for a while. I'm not an alcoholic, but I also do not have much control where drinking is concerned. One drink quickly becomes three. Also, from living in Spain I got very used to casual drinking - drinkable wine costs only a few euros a bottle. Part of me would love to quit completely, but I'm a realist.
I spent New Year's Day 2011 in bed with a horrendous hangover, with a few excursions to the bathroom to throw up. I swore to give up drinking (as did many people that day I imagine, probably also for the millionth time). At one point, hanging over the toilet bowl (sorry!) I thought 'Well, I best get used to this if I'm going to be pregnant this year.'
An odd moment of wishful thinking, I know, but one I'll remember for a long time.