Saturday, 22 January 2011

A Saturday Night Confession

My confession: I can't imagine what it's like to pregnant.

It's something I want above nearly everything. It's something I've wanted since I finished uni and started working. I remember my mother telling me that she would have had a baby as soon as my father and she married, when she was 21. My father wanted to wait until they had more money, and so they did, until she was 28, when they had my brother. When she told me this I was surprised - why would you wait for something like that?

I'm 30 now, which by most standards these days is in no way old to have a first child. When we lost our pregnancy last year, people who knew about the loss but not about the finer details of the situation said, to a person: you're still young, you have plenty of time.

Which I do, I know, but it has been so long not getting a bfp that I cannot imagine what it's like to be pregnant, to be carrying a baby. Last night I was crying because I accidentally logged into my husband's facebook profile and saw one of his friend bitching about not being able to drink because, predictably, she's pregnant. Out of self preservation these days I usually 'hide' pregnant people who post too many status updates, but in this case I saw it before I realised what I was seeing.

I worry ridiculously that, because I can't imagine it, I can't get pregnant.

It's CD1 - on Monday I'm going for my first pre-IVF blood test.


luckyme said...

CD1...yuck! I always find everything is darkest on CD1. The FB 'hide all posts' button is great but it's horrible when something catches you unaware. People always seem to say 'I didn't know it would feel like this' about pregnancy. I hope you say the same. At least you will treasure it and not make ungrateful comments about missing booze.

Kat said...

I might make private comments about missing booze but I will outwardly I will be smug, irritating and all 'pregnancy is a gift...'
Actually, the woman in question did have over a year ttc, so I do feel for her really - she's enjoying her pregnancy, I just wish I were doing the same!

China Doll said...

I feel the same Kat.. all that POAS and, as much as I daydream about it, I can't imagine that it will ever actually happen. But (sorry for the annoying PMA!) it will! Hope the tests go well xx

Kat said...

I don't have a problem with positivity, just the constant PMA! PMA! you get on BC is irritating. When I posted about my ectopic surgery and possible infertility people were posting 'PMA' at me, as if that was going to repair my fallopian tubes.