Monday, 28 February 2011

Jealousy ramblings

I try not to compare my life to other people's. At least, not all the time. But it's really difficult when you're on this journey not to look at the people who have 'success' and think 'why not me.'

A lady in my office went on maternity leave last week. Which was fine. A colleague asked me if I could organise the collection, which I did, and then his wife went and bought the gift as they have a small child and she would know better than the rest of us what to get. All fine.

The lady in question already has a child who is five or six, so its not surprising that she is going for number two. She talked about her pregnancy a lot over the last seven weeks which was mostly OK, though I did have one or two weepy moments in the privacy of a toilet cubicle. It was nice actually because two of my friends in my office know about my situation, and would divert the conversation sometimes, which I really appreciated.

In addition to being pregnant with number two, this woman is also more successful than me professionally, in the sense that she has done the next level of qualification which you need in my organisation to move into management/get onto interesting projects etc etc. This is the qualification I might be able to get this year, but I also might have to postpone it a few years. It's very stressful and time consuming and I'm not sure I would want to do it at the same time as IVF.

All of which was still fine, but I was kind of telling myself that she was at least a few years older than me. But this morning I was on f.acebook (damn you fb!) and discovered that she is a mere 7 months older.

I'm sure you know how I feel now. I was so positive with the progress we've had this last week, and even looking forward to my test this week so that we can move forward one way or other. But now I feel terrible, and I'm annoyed with myself about it. Why do we do this to ourselves. Why does it matter how old she is? It's really frustrating for me to put myself in a position where I am comparing myself to anyone else. I hate it, it's counter-productive.

I'm going back to bed.


China Doll said...

Feel for you.. unfortunately stuff/feelings that are counterproductive are not necessarily easy to avoid just because we want to. My jealousy is in overdrive at the moment but also completely random - some pregnancies don't bother me, others knock me for 6 and there's no logic. xx

Kat said...

I think it was the professional stuff that did it for me. It was like 'why does she have everything???'

luckyme said...

I feel for you too. Think I desperately want to keep believing there is a balance in the world. Same thing though, I convince myself they are older or lacking in some part of their life but moments like cancelling our holiday in January to see photos of younger friends on the beach with 2!?!?!
I can relate to your frustration...grrr!

Anonymous said...

It's the roller coaster ride we didn't ask for. Very easy to say not to compare with anyone else but it's hard to be passed by sometimes. Hugs.

We will also need ICSI as our first try, that's what has been recommended for us.

Sushigirl said...

It's counter productive but sooooo hard not to do!