Sunday, 13 February 2011

A Mental Check-in

Last night I was talking about my writer's block with a male friend who has been a good friend to me and my husband for several years. The conversation strayed into the depression I've been suffering on and off over the last year, and how still having that IVF option is keeping me going at the moment, but if that was taken away I'm not sure how I would react.

This came around to the question 'Is it that important for you to have your own biological children?' My friend has said several times in the past that he does not really want to be a father, (but would if his hypothetical partner really wanted to) so this is a key question for him. I give him a lot of credit for not saying 'Why don't you just adopt?'

Is it important? Like everyone in my situation, I've thought this through a lot over the past year and I think that I have come to the following conclusions. Which are subject to change, as before I knew I needed IVF I may have made some remarks about it that suggested I would never do it. Like many of us in this annoying infertility boat I've learned that you never know what your thoughts might be about something until you are personally faced with it.

Also, please know that these are my thoughts about my life, and are in no way a judgement on the choices that other people make. Families are made in all kinds of ways and everyone makes the choice that are right for their own situation.

Totally on board with this using my eggs and my husband's sperm.

Using Donor Eggs
I don't think this is for me. But then see below re: adoption. Maybe it's to do with carrying a child that's not 'mine?'

Using Donor Sperm
I'm not sure on this. I don't know why I feel differently about it than eggs. My husband might have thoughts on this.

With 'our' embryo
Maybe, but the costs are really prohibitive - not sure it's for ordinary plebs like us. I'm a bit uncomfortable with the idea of someone with enough money paying someone who needs the money to 'rent space' in them.

But I know this is an opinion formed by reading reactionary news stories and in reality things are very different. A friend of my husbands who suffered from adult leukaemia has been told that this is one of her only options, and I wouldn't judge her negatively for taking it.

Perhaps it's because our infertility is caused by a mistake that I made - I feel it is self-inflicted - and because of this I don't 'deserve' extraordinary measures like surrogacy to have a child? I'm not sure. Perhaps.

With donor egg/sperm
Not for me, I don't think. It would seem a bit silly really to me, as there would be no biological connection, nor physical pregnancy in my own body. I think I would go to adoption rather than bring another life into the world at this point.

I would be more than happy to adopt. My husband and I have discussed adoption for years, back even before we knew we had problems having our own baby. I have no problem with 'having' a child who is not biologically mine. (which is why I'm not sure what my donor egg/sperm reaction is about...) I also know that adoption is not an 'easy' route for anyone involved and would need much more serious consideration than I have given it here.

Living Childless
Perhaps, but we're still a few years off making that particular decision. I think I would probably fight tooth and nail to not live childlessly.

So, that's where I am right now. I suspect some of these thoughts might change as time goes on, but we'll see.


China Doll said...

I agree that you never know how you will feel until you are actually faced with an option.. During my HSG, I swore that I would never have IVF because all the 'intrusion' just seemed like too much. But, a year later, I can't wait to start!

Kat said...

I still haven't had mine, in about 2 weeks I think... not looking forward to it at all.