Sunday, 15 May 2011

Dark Day

If you want something cheerful, don't read this post. Also if you don't like swearing, don't read this post.

You know, I don't want anyone to feel as though I am criticising them or the way they have announced pregnancies over the last week or so. If I didn't want to read pregnancy announcements, I wouldn't read blogs about people going through fertility treatments. Nor do I begrudge anyone their pregnancy and I certainly would never wish anyone had had negative results. And I know I would announce a BFP in the same way, so I have no leg to stand on.

But.. well.. I'm so fucking jealous right now. Like livid, green jealousy. Like I don't want to read the 15 comments saying 'congratulations' and 'what a great pee stick picture.' I make those comments myself, and mean them, but today...

The last week has been a great week for IVF BFPs. It seems everyone I have been following has been successful. Yesterday I was so excited to see Chinadoll's positive results as I consider her a friend and want the best for all of my friends.

This positive feeling lasted for about thirty minutes until I told my husband the news (as Chinadoll is moving to my city soon, I keep him up to date). He then made a comment about how we 'parent' our cat. We had always talked about that in parenting I would be the bad cop, and he the good, but with our cat it's the other way around as I spoil the cat rotten whereas he is much tougher. He said 'It's just weird how things don't go as we planned.'

Under-fucking statement of the century.

This sent me off crying, of course, and then I was sobbing.

The thing is, I'm feeling left behind. We all feel this (I know, I know) with our 'fertile' friends, but now I'm being outstripped by fellow infertiles as well (I know lots of people feel this as well).

I've been having mild cramps the past few days, and hoping against hope that it's implantation, despite hpt results to the contrary. After that final positive from the IVF ladies yesterday, I just feel like such a fucking muppet, putting my hopes into a clomid cycle of timed intercourse when I don't even know if my fallopian tubes even work.

I know everyone reading this will have felt as I do at some point, but you know what? I'm in it right now. Never have a felt my blog title is so true. I am so fucking far away from what I want I can't even see if its ever going to happen.


China Doll said...

I know that nothing I say here will really help at this point, whilst you are in the midst of these completely legitimate feelings. Yes, I have felt the way you feel now. When I saw Marilyn's and Princess' BFPs come up before mine, I really struggled. But I know that me saying that in the knowledge that, at least for the timebeing, I have that BFP, is not the same and doesn't help.

I feel that this process is definitely a journey where each 'stage' has to be completed before you can move on. I feel like our IUIs had to be done, even though I never really thought that they would work given our particular situation. It was incredibly hard to move from there to IVF, but I know that, without doing those IUIs, I would not have coped with the IVF very well, nor would I have been able to make the decision about leaving work that I needed to make.

I'm not trying to offer platitudes in the hope they will make your pain go away. I know that will take time, which is the most frustrating thing of all, when all we want is for this particular journey to move on and be over as soon as possible.

Thinking of you and will understand if you need a break from my blog for a while xx

Anonymous said...

So sorry you're having a dark day. We all have them, and it sucks. Not every day will be like today. Hoping you feel better soon!

luckyme said...

Kat...thanks for the honest post. It's like reading my own words. I've felt very lonely in the online world since my BFN in January. No one else in my tiny blog world were in the same situation, they were either successful first time and much further down the line or in the treatment stage and full of hope and positivity. It's been too painful to even log on at times. For this reason I haven't felt comfortable posting my BFP, not only has it been complicated (still is) but I know all my readers and there are some I need to tell personally first and until that time is right, I won't be writing about it.
When all I see is positive, enthusiastic, happiness etc for others BFPs I feel the way you described too and wonder what's wrong with me. I'm happy for others on one level but... So while this is a painful post,I'm glad you wrote it. It's made me feel a little less alone.
I hope your dark day passes soon.

luckyme said...

Sorry am still waffling...just that it seems like this online community can really work in one's favour at times but other times it's possible to feel like the odd one out, just like in the real world. (I suppose that's what my Feb-Apr blogs were all about). You always seem to have found it very useful so I hope you do again and I hope you feel better for writing this post!

JustHeather said...


Sushigirl said...

I know how you feel - I've been doing IVF for nearly 18 months on and off, and it feels like everyone who started at the same time as me has moved on. I think we all have crap days from time to time, but they pass. Hope you're feeling better.

marilyn said...

been there...many dark days. I am sorry you are having a bad day.

Patience said...

I am so sorry you are in this place right now. I've been there too... more times than I want to count. I might even be there a little right now myself with my current situation. (Thank you for your comment on my blog, btw) I had to stop reading a message board because I felt like I was the ONLY person who failed at the clinic we were all at. It was just more than I could handle. I've been lapped by a few infertiles, even.. and it just stings. You have every right to feel exactly how you are feeling right now. It sucks. I wish I could tell you it all gets better, and I hope someday it does. Hugs to you my friend!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry it's been a crap week. I know what you mean about the envy, and I hate feeling that way. Despite that, I want to yell at people who just got married or who have had three kids since I started trying and tell them it is my turn. If only it worked that way. I hope you are feeling better soon!

Summastarlet said...

Sending hugs. I am sure most (if not all) of your readers can relate to how you are feeling. I know I can and have blogged about it many times. You are perfectly entitled to feel this way. I think it's all part of this horrible process unfortunately.

Sorry you are feeling so down and dark. xx

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are having a tough time right know. And yes, I have been there too. I have now learned that you need to do what you need to do for the time being in order to stay sane. Write about it, not reading about it, staying away and take a little break or just cry it out. Whatever it is that makes you balance things up again. Hugs

knitting vixen said...

I hate BFP announcements most of the time to be honest. I am usually genuinely pleased if I know that the person announcing it has had a hard time of it. I feel resentful/jealous if it happens fast.

This is why I stopped going onto forums (BC and Ectopic) as even other people who have ectopics seem to conceive much faster than me.

How you feel is normal (I hope). Good luck with you IUI.

Also, when I befriend people on forums etc they tend to fall pregnant straight away (even if they have been having problems)- has this happened to you?