You know, I don't want anyone to feel as though I am criticising them or the way they have announced pregnancies over the last week or so. If I didn't want to read pregnancy announcements, I wouldn't read blogs about people going through fertility treatments. Nor do I begrudge anyone their pregnancy and I certainly would never wish anyone had had negative results. And I know I would announce a BFP in the same way, so I have no leg to stand on.
But.. well.. I'm so fucking jealous right now. Like livid, green jealousy. Like I don't want to read the 15 comments saying 'congratulations' and 'what a great pee stick picture.' I make those comments myself, and mean them, but today...
The last week has been a great week for IVF BFPs. It seems everyone I have been following has been successful. Yesterday I was so excited to see Chinadoll's positive results as I consider her a friend and want the best for all of my friends.
This positive feeling lasted for about thirty minutes until I told my husband the news (as Chinadoll is moving to my city soon, I keep him up to date). He then made a comment about how we 'parent' our cat. We had always talked about that in parenting I would be the bad cop, and he the good, but with our cat it's the other way around as I spoil the cat rotten whereas he is much tougher. He said 'It's just weird how things don't go as we planned.'
Under-fucking statement of the century.
This sent me off crying, of course, and then I was sobbing.
The thing is, I'm feeling left behind. We all feel this (I know, I know) with our 'fertile' friends, but now I'm being outstripped by fellow infertiles as well (I know lots of people feel this as well).
I've been having mild cramps the past few days, and hoping against hope that it's implantation, despite hpt results to the contrary. After that final positive from the IVF ladies yesterday, I just feel like such a fucking muppet, putting my hopes into a clomid cycle of timed intercourse when I don't even know if my fallopian tubes even work.
I know everyone reading this will have felt as I do at some point, but you know what? I'm in it right now. Never have a felt my blog title is so true. I am so fucking far away from what I want I can't even see if its ever going to happen.