Thursday, 5 May 2011

The Old Fashioned Way

I'm going to talk about something very personal which you don't see much of on the IF blogs (for clear reasons): my sex life.

Before we knew we had problems conceiving, we had a pretty normal sex life (so far as I know anyway!). But then I had the ectopic, and then we were told that we couldn't conceive without serious help, and everything changed.

I found I felt very sad after sex. I realised quite quickly it was because the hope of making a baby had been removed. We had been trying for over a year, and I hadn't given up the idea that it might happen for us. I would have that hope,and it was then taken away.

After that I kind of wondered what the point was. Things like intimacy and pleasure didn't seem enough any more. Sex just didn't have the joy it had had before. From the fact that my husband didn't really protest about the lack of sex he was(n't) having suggests to me he felt the same or similar. He's quite uncomfortable discussing these kinds of things directly, so I don't know for sure.

I've had to reprogram the way I think about sex, and try to return to my younger years before I was ever trying for a baby. It's been difficult and sad, and to be honest I'm not there yet.
This makes going back to trying the old fashioned way this cycle somewhat strange. I had just kind of got used to sex not being about baby making anymore, and now it is again (even though the chances are small, or possibly non existent). I feel like I'm reconnecting emotionally with my husband again in a way that we haven't for a long while.

It's really difficult to put this into words, because I'm not 100% sure what I'm actually feeling, and also while I'm happy enough talking about speculums and ultrasound wands, actually talking about sex seems far more personal!


knitting vixen said...

Aww, I totally know what you are saying.

In January I decided that we had become "all about getting pregnant" when it came to sex. I stopped using OPKS and looking at the calender (well, I did sneak a peek once or twice but I stopped being obsessive).

It's all about trying to reprogramme your brain. There is no greater passion killer than your own mind when you know you are having trouble conceiving. In fact, I may write an entry about my own non-sexy thoughts when TTC!

This month we are back on it though. I find I go in cycles, some months are more relaxed than others.

Good luck with it all.

PS I had an ectopic too :-(

knitting vixen said...

I didn't realise that we were friends on BC... I had to go and check my friends list and now I know who you are. We had an ectopic around the same time I think. I remember reading your story and feeling heartbroken as it must have been so lonely for all of this to happen to you in a foreign country. I hardly go on there- too many people on there get BFPs and I find it depressing!

marilyn said...

you are not alone with the intimacy and sex issue. I was even going to write about the topic soon on my post as well. I guess we are in the same boat. MY plan when I do get to have sex(I can not remember the last time, plus I am in 2ww so I will wait for a while now) is start trying things more like holding hands and walking in the park, and picnics. I guess do things that we did when we first met. The expressing part is hard...

Sara said...

I think this is a common problem. I hope you can hang on to some of the magic.

China Doll said...

I know what you mean...the 'baby-making sex' becomes so unsexy yet it seems so difficult to remember what it felt like when we were just doing it for fun! However unlikely it is that I think we'll get pregnant that way, it's still in the back of your mind.... xx