Monday, 13 June 2011

No Mans Land

Here's something I haven't shared about this cycle - I've been testing every day. It started with testing for whether those HCG shots had disappeared. Then I entered the no-mans land between the trigger and the time when it's 'the right time' to test. I think I'm still in that no-mans land (day 9 post-IUI) but I'm just reaching the border.

I didn't plan to test every day (and I really hope I won't be doing it next time) but I just kind of drifted into it.

So far, except for the post-trigger tests, it all BFN, BFN, BFN. Of course. Of course. It's too early to test. It's too early to test. (Just, I can't help the sneaky voice that's telling me that some people get positives this early.)

I also had an incredibly frustrating conversation with my husband yesterday. I tried to have the 'what next' conversation. He didn't want to have it yet. He wants to wait and see about this cycle. But that's not my personality. I have to have the next step in place. It's how I deal with things. I can handle this cycle being negative, as long as I know where we're going next. It's a joke in my family that I always have some plan or scheme going on. I can't just exist, and that's the case with this as well.

He just kept saying 'I don't know' and 'let's wait and see,' which was really annoying. I told him I didn't need to know right then, but I wanted him to think about it. The way that thing happen here you have to decide more of less immediately. If it's CD1 you have to get your appointment for CD2, and the next thing you know you're learning how to inject yourself. I need to know his opinion so I can make a decision on the spot, as he can never get to appointments with me.

As you may be able to tell I'm not feeling overly confident about this cycle.

8 comments:

Diana said...

I'm sorry you are going throught this right now. As far as your hubby.. some guys take a while to fully understand what is going on. Or maybe he is just as scared as you are in side but you know how men can get.. they want to be the "strong" person. Give it a little time and take it day by day with this cycle. IF it doesn't work out, then yes, sit down with him and fully talk to him about your feelings. The worse thing you could do to yourself is hold all your feelings inside.

Big hugs to you. =) Things will be ok.

Michele said...

My husband is the same way, and we haven't even started with any real medical intervention. I think it's the way they cope, or maybe they are really that much more positive about the whole situation. I guess someone needs to maintain hope each month.

knitting vixen said...

I am exactly the same. I have to have a plan for every scenario- it makes me feel better. I think, well, worst case scenario, we'll do this... then I think, well it can't be that bad then!

luckyme said...

I have had similar struggles too with N. I need to know what the next option is so I can think long term, it gives me perspective and takes the pressure off a single cycle as it feels more like part of a process. It took many months and a failed IVF cycle to get N to discuss our long term plan with this and I remember feeling sooooo frustrated. Hang in there. Is there a recommended test date post IUI, I don't know that much about it, I'm learning a lot from you.

mutemockingbird said...

I always feel like I have a contingency plan in the air. If this test goes this way than I will do this, but if it goes that way I will do that. One of the hardest things for me was that you can't really make plans; everything always depends on something else.

I hope this is your cycle and this is just that 2ww blues.

JustHeather said...

I'm like that too! I usually talk about 'what if' and hubby doesn't want to, he'd rather wait and see how things go now and in the present. I also like to dream out loud of holidays (whether or not they'd happen, doesn't matter, it's a day dream for crying out loud!) and other fanciful things. Not hubby, he's always the pragmatic one.

Sometimes it's fun to test or do something everyday for a set period of time just to see how things change or don't. I hope things turn out better than you are expecting. If that doesn't happen, I hope you at least get some satisfaction or enjoyment out of the testing.

Kat said...

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one!

I had another BFN this morning. Feeling quite down right now.

Cattiz J said...

Ahh, I'm sorry for the negative. Having a plan aways helps ease my mind as well. I hope you can get this across to your hubby.