Thursday, 27 October 2011

New Look

I've put a new template on my blog. I've had the old design for what seems like a long time, and decided it's time for a change.

For now I'm just having a clean, white look. I may get it professionally redesigned or I might just go with a blogger template.

Monday, 24 October 2011


Lately, I have been in a reasonable mood most of the time (not counting my Saturday morning insomnia.) I am generally cheerful, I'm engaged with my work and doing some craft projects to pass the time as well. I just got a sewing machine last week and I've been downloading patterns to make some simple clothes. I'm also knitting a lot and trying to cook more.

Things are good generally, until something annoying happens. Then... *SNAP* I'm irritable and stroppy and really annoying to be around. It happened last week at work relating to our pension contributions, and it happened today about a timetable change I hadn't been consulted about. I snap, start ranting, and then can't seem to calm down.

Today I was really stroppy with my colleague who mentioned that she had known about the possibility of my timetable change. I said that it was so nice that other people were consulted about my timetable when I hadn't been... The colleague in question is in charge of the project/class I would be working on - of course she was consulted. But I was really stroppy and childish about it.

The problem is that once I calm down I know I am overreacting, but I can't seem to stop it happening. It's really frustrating because I know it's unprofessional and it makes me look unstable.

My problem was also with another colleague who is, not to put too fine a point on it, a b*tch at the moment. She really stressed me out yesterday, and then was really cattishly pleased today that I had been put on this high work load project. I know why she was pleased about it (because she has had to take over a different high work load class from me, as I was sick of it and had done a full term) but it was so catty and childish.

I'm still angry now. I'm really snappy with my husband because I keep thinking he's reading this post over my shoulder as I write it. I was snappy because he didn't take the recycling down at exactly the time he said he would, as if it makes any difference.

I am so sick of myself right now.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Stupid O'Clock

I am awake at stupid o'clock this morning - blame a 4am mosquito - and dwelling, somewhat gloomily, on our situation.

There have been quite a few positives this week, as I predicted there would be. I am happy for everyone who got their positive over the last week, but I am also depressed about my own inability to conceive.

I don't know that I can do IVF again. Does that make me weak? I just keep dwelling on the injections and the surgery and the stress of the two week wait and the devastation when it doesn't work.

And adoption right now is not an option for several reasons. Firstly, we don't live in our home country, and at the moment, given the recent changes to the visa laws for foreign students to the UK, we'd be unlikely to get full time, permanent jobs in our field. (Thanks for destroying an industry in the name of national security UK government - forget all the teachers, support staff and host families who are losing their jobs and income, in order to keep out people who are trying to learn the language and integrate into our culture. Really, well done.) Also, given the financial situation we would be unlikely to be able to buy a home in the UK for quite a while.

Therefore, we wouldn't be able to go through the rigmarole of the adoption process. I have half thought about looking into what the rules would be for trying to adopt internally while we are here in Korea, but we don't have residency (that's another long torturous process right there) and wouldn't be able to apply for it for another four years.

I hate the way my mind works at stupid o'clock.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Why Are We Doing This?

So FET one is well and truly over. AF has come and gone and I'm back into a natural cycle.

We decided before the FET that we would wait until the new year to try again but we have been discussing whether or not to. I know it seems strange but...

Before the ectopic we had been 'not avoiding' for two years. But we weren't really worried and we didn't go and see anyone because in all honesty we didn't have enough money to have a baby. Our work and lifestyle was a little unstable (though not in our current jobs) so even though it wasn't happening we didn't worry too much.

Then the ectopic happened and everything changed. Suddenly we were told that we couldn't have children, and it was the only thing I wanted. The interesting thing about it was that I was in the middle of the application for my current job, and if you had asked me before the ectopic what was the most important thing at the time, I would have said 'the job'.

Then, when I was told I couldn't have something, I wanted it desperately. Of course, being pregnant for a couple of weeks made me realise how much I wanted it as well.

So now we're nearly a year into various fertility treatment and I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick of the stress and the hope and the seemingly inevitable failure. In contrast at work I have a situation where I concentrate on something, I work hard, and I am 'successful' at it. I do know that this is a way of avoiding the pain of infertility and failure, but I really need some positivity at the moment. I can't keep moping around knowing that I seem to be the only one that it doesn't work for (after one fresh IVF cycle and one FET, yes, drama queen here.)

So for now, we're trying the old fashioned way. Personally I really want to actually get our sex life back, and I'm sure my husband will agree. We'll revisit treatments in the new year.

Monday, 10 October 2011


Read no further if you don't feel like being grossed out.

I stopped all meds on Tuesday after the negative Beta, including the Progynova which was holding off AF. I also stopped the crinone gel.

If you have ever used crinone gel, then you know a little about it's more negative side. The build up, which has to be removed *ahem* 'manually in the shower' as my box instructions recommend. I don't think the shower part is particularly important, but whatever.

AF spotting started on Friday, and with it my body started to naturally pass some of the crinone build up, which was by then mixed in with spotting blood. So incredibly gross.

The thing is that I thought I had been fairly dedicated this cycle about trying to get rid of build up during the 2WW. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I was really surprised at the sheer amount of the stuff still appearing. Where was it coming from? Where had it been hiding?

I did warn you this was gross, remember.

Further grossness ensued when I realised that the shower drain was draining really slowly on Saturday. I attacked it with a wire hanger and... well, in addition to all the hair and soap stuck in there...

Sorry, perhaps I could have kept that one to myself.

I seem to have passed all the crinone, and am now having one of the heaviest periods I'm had in recent years (with the exception of the one after my ectopic). I was glad when AF showed, as at least the drugs I was on hadn't f-ed up my cycle too much (about 3 days longer, so that's not too bad).

Saturday, 8 October 2011


I'm OK. I'm shocked actually about how OK I am. I had a cry Tuesday morning before heading in for my beta. Then I went to work and held it together because I had to.

I got mildly drunk after work on Thursday (bearing in mind Friday is my weekend) and ended up sobbing. But that might have been because I watched that Glee episode with Neil Patrick Harris and all the thwarted dreams. The final scene with the Les Miserable song had me pretty wrecked:

'I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I'm living'

Then I went to bed, and woke up with an acidic stomach and a headache. I had a fight with my husband over MTV and the washing up not being done. I stormed into the bedroom and read a few pages of Gone With the Wind. I calmed down, and life went on as normal.

So now we're taking a break until the new year and then who knows? I want to shop around and see if I can find a clinic that will do 5 day transfers.

I'm going back to the gym and hoping to lose weight. I have a new project at work. I have Christmas and lots of other things. I'm going to try not to think too much about fertility (or lack thereof) for a while. I fully suspect everyone will be pregnant by the time I come back in the new year!

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

FET 1 is Another BFN

FRER shows a BFN at 10dp3dt. That's 14dpo, CD30.  I'm going in later for the beta, but won't get the results until 4 o'clock this afternoon, so I'll update then.

**Update** Beta was 2.19, so a definite no, but at least I don't have to worry about an ectopic either!

Monday, 3 October 2011

One More Day 'til Beta

I decided against testing this morning. I was planning on it, but then yesterday I decided to wait til tomorrow. If the clinic only does the blood test 10dp3dt then using an HPT before that would just be crazy making if it was negative (see my previous post). I know myself and I would still be saying 'maybe it might be different in one more day' if there was any more time to wait before the Beta test.

So what do I think...?

Honestly, I'm veering on the side of it not working. This is a self preservation technique of course. I still have hope though, but I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Reasons to hope: I have some mild symptoms, though they could easily be explained as the drugs I'm taking. AF has not yet shown herelf, even in spotting (again, drugs) If this were a normal cycle she would be appearing until this week, so it's not that much of a miracle.

One more day to go...