Saturday, 22 October 2011

Stupid O'Clock

I am awake at stupid o'clock this morning - blame a 4am mosquito - and dwelling, somewhat gloomily, on our situation.

There have been quite a few positives this week, as I predicted there would be. I am happy for everyone who got their positive over the last week, but I am also depressed about my own inability to conceive.

I don't know that I can do IVF again. Does that make me weak? I just keep dwelling on the injections and the surgery and the stress of the two week wait and the devastation when it doesn't work.

And adoption right now is not an option for several reasons. Firstly, we don't live in our home country, and at the moment, given the recent changes to the visa laws for foreign students to the UK, we'd be unlikely to get full time, permanent jobs in our field. (Thanks for destroying an industry in the name of national security UK government - forget all the teachers, support staff and host families who are losing their jobs and income, in order to keep out people who are trying to learn the language and integrate into our culture. Really, well done.) Also, given the financial situation we would be unlikely to be able to buy a home in the UK for quite a while.

Therefore, we wouldn't be able to go through the rigmarole of the adoption process. I have half thought about looking into what the rules would be for trying to adopt internally while we are here in Korea, but we don't have residency (that's another long torturous process right there) and wouldn't be able to apply for it for another four years.

I hate the way my mind works at stupid o'clock.


Michele said...

Seems like you have a lot on your plate right now. I don't know how that whole living in a new country goes, but it seems frustrating. Good luck with all the red tape.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't make you week at all if another ivf is not for you. I totally get that, it's so much emotions invested and the stress of it all.. But how difficult of an adoption process. Ugh, very frustrating!

Sara said...

I'm so sorry that everything is looking bleak at the moment. Stupid o'clock does that to me too. I hope that when the sun came out, things looked a bit brighter.

I spoke with some (American) adoptive parents in Korea when I was there, and they said that the procedure was fairly straightforward. They used an American agency, as they were also not Korea residents, and basically followed the same process as someone who was living in their home country, home study and all. They adopted three gorgeous kids from Ethiopia, and seemed very happy. I'm not sure if it is possible to run a Korea adoption through a UK agency while living in Korea, but I don't see why it wouldn't be. And if that doesn't work, it might also be possible to use a US-based agency, although they might not be as familiar with the procedures for obtaining UK citizenship for the child. I also have friends who managed to adopt from China while living in China as non-residents. They used a local agency, but did have to jump through some US hoops as well. Never fear, my friend. It can be done. If you don't feel up for the struggle right now, though, then just go easy on yourself and take a break.

As for fear of facing another round of IVF after your BFN, I get it. For me, each of my 3 IVF BFN's was less painful than the ones before. The first one was literally the worst day of my life (yes, I know that makes my life sound cushy, but I have been through some tough times before, but never one that sucked the hope out of me like that first IVF BFN). I admit that the 2nd probably wasn't as bad because I already had a child at that point (cycle #2 worked for me), but the 3rd wasn't as bad as the 2nd, either. My results may not be typical, but still, it seemed worth saying that the first one really is the hardest.


Sara said...

P.S. How infuriating that the UK has destroyed your livelihood out of fear of immigrants! The US did something similar to me. We applied for Mystery's US visa about a year after Sept. 11, 2001. The process was supposed to take a month. It took 11. That was 10 months of my 30's that we could have been TTC, but instead were living in different countries waiting for the Department of Homeland Security to get it through their thick heads that my sweet husband isn't a terrorist. Sigh. I still kind of blame them for my infertility.

Anonymous said...

You are not weak at all.
Sometimes it takes a lot more strength to know when to stop than it does to keep going.
You know what's best for your body and soul. Don't be afraid to listen to that.

knitting vixen said...

It is all a really big pile of
w**k isn't it? I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like shite.

Sometimes we just feel so hopeless.

But, it takes the average person 3 goes on IVF for it to work.

I am sure time will heal and you will feel ready to go through the process again, and we will all have our fingers crossed for you.

I am saying this to you as someone who has her bad days and knows some of how it feels. I don't know exactly how you feel in terms of IVFs, but in terms of feeling desperate and hopeless I have felt it.

I am worried that when I start DR proper I will be like Eyore, needlessly gloomy.