Friday, 2 December 2011

When...?

How many times can I write reasonable, seemingly balanced blog posts when inside I am screaming about how unfair things seem to be? 


<Here is the one reasonable element in this post. I know that some bloggers in the IF sphere are having a genuine shit time - losses and bed rest and etc. In contrast I am feeling sorry for myself. On my own blog. If you don't like it, don't read it.>


Good: I have a good job I mostly enjoy. My husband and I are happy, for the most part.


Not so good: I'm not actually in the career I want to be in, but changing isn't as easy as writing up my CV. And I can't have a baby.


Many other people can have babies, including most of the people on my current blog roll. Of people who can't have babies. Like me.




Fertily challenged?


Well, the great news is, if you're going through a cycle right now, and you're on my blog list... congratulations, you will almost certainly get pregnant this time around. Never mind that you've been through IVF and it failed, you'll just get pregnant the old fashioned way. Yay! Good for you! Also, if you're really lucky, you'll be having twins. Woohoo!




Bitter? You f*cking bet. Want to hear some more?


It's been a bad week for 'announcements' In fact, one guy I know posted about his wife's pregnancy in three languages in his FB update. In case you missed it in English, it is in Spanish. And Korean for good measure.


Here's my Spanish: Estoy embarazado, pero estoy sangrado. Tengo miedo. <If you don't speak Spanish, google translate works just fine>


Sometimes I think things that I hate. I think them before I can stop myself. Jealousy sucks; thank goodness I'm not Catholic. Because of the guilt. But sometimes I pray. I am selfish and I pray not for other people, but for myself. And yet I cannot promise anything to a God I only partly believe in. I can't promise 'I will never ask for anything else' because what if my child, or my husband, or my parents are ill in the future? (Or myself for that matter.) I would ask again.


Along with prayer is the power of The S.ecret. If you focus on one thing enough it will come to you. Ask and it shall be given unto you. And etc. I ask for a baby. I think 'baby baby baby.' Then I get a twinge in my scar site (as often happens through my cycle) and I think 'ectopic.' According to the power of The S.ecret, the universe doesn't recognise the concept of negatives: 'I don't want an ectopic,' is not recognised as such. It will only hear 'ectopic' and bring me one.


I saw a colleague rubbing her bump today and I wanted to scream. Instead I put on a happy face and went and taught other people's children.


When do I get to break down and scream and cry for more than an hour? After all of my BFNs this year I have pulled it together and gone to work, even though I know that my boss would understand if I called in sick. Why won't I let myself wallow? Because I know it could always be worse?


You know what? F*ck that. I've lost 6 potential children. 5 embryos and 1 poor thing who settled in in the wrong place. I didn't know if any of them were boys or girls or what kind of person they might have become. When I let myself get invested I get my heart broken.


I still blame myself. I blame myself for being a stupid idiotic twenty-four-year-old who never believed that anything like that could happen to her. And because of this I don't let myself feel bad. I force myself to accept the situation as punishment for being a stupid, drunk idiot who then continued to be a stupid fool who was too scared to go get checked up.


By the time you've finished reading this, you'll probably be pregnant.



7 comments:

Red Power Ranger said...

Kat, probably one of the best explosions I've ever read on blogger!! Hope you feel like you got something out and maybe a bit of relief. Damn right it's fcking unfair. I started blogging 12mths ago about secondary IF. I'd never heard of it till it was on my thick file. Yes, I read your blog an feel guilty for my 4yr old son. He eased my pain when I miscarried his potential brother or sister. But I feel absolute failure to this child who, weekly, without fail, will ask why so and so's mum can get a baby and I cant. Fcking breaks me. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but even after you achieve the miracle of a take home baby, down the track that baby will haunt you for another child, so IF does NOT leave you. It really sux hairy old dogs balls. I try and warn those currently pregnant after IF, but in their bliss, they can't hear me.

I'm hitting the 3yr mark of ttc #2, so I damn well hope you have jinxed me, but I can guarantee I'll be blubbering like a fat kid without a donut come 2 wks time and the red carpet is again laid out.

Don't ever apologize for your own feelings on your own blog. This was pure honesty, an it's refreshing to see unedited blog posts!!

China Doll said...

You have every right to feel this way and every right to express it on your blog in any way you want. But you shouldn't blame yourself for anything. Thinking of you xx

knitting vixen said...

Deary me. I know some of what you are feeling.

I am glad you are venting, this is the best thing to do. Other people may have it worse (though I think most have it better sometimes) but it doesn't make your pain any less (if it did then no-one would be unhappy because there is always someone worse off than you!).

I defintely can relate to a lot of what you have written in your blog. There is only one pregnancy blog I can read and that is because I have read her blog for ages and seen her have many failed attempts and she gives me hope that even if mine fails, eventually it will probably work.

Other bloggers I have stopped following because I don't feel as connected to them and I just can't read about scans, appointments, room decorations etc.

I had made cyber friends with people who have fertility problems (mainly people who had ectopics) and they are ALL pregnant now. I am not. All but one fell naturally and within 1-2 months of making friends with me. I was happy for them but happiness is short-lived as their pregnancy progresses and my af turns up month after effing month. I think perhaps I am a good luck charm, except it don't work for me.

Be bitter. It's allowed. Don't censor yourself because you are worried someone might read your blog and be offended (I imagine that is not what you set out to do).

The offer to send English delights is still there. You sound like you need some chocolate. Message me on Ravelry with your address.

Stephanie said...

Just wanted to validate your feelings. I hope you never feel guilty about being frustrated with the injustices in life. Not being able to get pregnant really sucks, and it is such a hidden and lonely journey that no one - not even other infertiles - can really understand because your journey is your story and unique to you.

JustHeather said...

I know it doesn't always help, but do know you're not alone and others do know what you are going through. Myself included.

Know that it is always ok and understandable to stop reading someone's blog or stop following it because you just don't feel like you can read their happy words. There are several blogs at the moment that I only check out if I'm having a good day.

And lastly, I'm totally sorry about the announcement in 3 languages! LOL, that truly has to sting.

*big hugs*

Sara said...

I'm not pregnant yet, but am going to read this a few more times, because it does sound like a more effective strategy than anything else that I've tried in the last 3 years.

I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. And no it's not your fault. Tons of people were stupid kids and still effortlessly pop out babies whenever they have a passing whim. It totally stinks, and you're absolutely right to be angry.

hugs

JustHeather said...

Hey there! I'm back to let you know that I've given you the Liebster blog award. Please come pick it up at my blog: http://rowan6.blogspot.com/2011/12/thank-you-for-award-part-1.html