I'm prefacing this whole blog post with saying that I do want a baby, and that I want my family to include children.
It's a couple of weeks since my third failed embryo transfer after my second fresh IVF cycle. If there was a model for a cycle that was going brilliantly, and then failed on every single level, it was my previous one. I can't blame the doctors for anything. Two lovely blastos failed to implant. The five other blastos didn't reach a point where they could be frozen.
I've been thinking a lot about the way forward from here. While I know I could go through another series of stimms and retrieval, I honestly don't think I could handle another two week wait and another BFN. Logic says that keeping going will eventually lead to success, but I'm at a point where I can't imagine that success any more.
Here's something else: Having a baby won't make me happy. It's a fairly drastic statement to make, especially on a fertility blog, but bear with me. I've been assuming that I'm unhappy with things in my life because I'm infertile. That I will write more once I can get pregnant, because infertility is causing my writer's block. That my work is tiring and difficult because I'm depressed about my infertility.
My writer's block is caused by my own procrastination and laziness. Also, I'm infertile.
My work is tiring, stressful and difficult. In addition, I'm infertile.
The easier one to consider is my work. I need to make some big decisions about my work. Do I stay in this field and invest more time and energy to move up into management or training? I'm not really satisfied just going to work day in day out. I always want to do more and feel dissatisfied if I don't. My work environment is not overtly competitive, but it is a fairly intense atmosphere that does not allow anyone to 'sit still' and just be. I like this in many ways, but it also makes you feel like you're never doing enough. But it's not just my current office that makes me feel this way. I always feel this way.
I have to make a decision, which I postponed last year, about further training which will be all consuming and will take about ten months. I would have to put fertility treatments on hold. I'm not really sure I want to do this training, ever, but I feel like I should. To move up any further in my work, I need to do it.
Getting pregnant was a way of avoiding this decision. If I have a baby, says my illogical mind, I won't feel the need to move on and up. I will feel this need, it's my nature.
I won't go into the writer's block at the moment, as I don't think it's something that can be deconstructed, except to say that my previous thinking was ridiculous, and that I have to stop being so lazy.
So that's it. I want a baby and will be very happy if I have one, but in the long term it won't solve my other problems. Those go deeper. Also, I'm infertile.