I'm Very Far Away...

Sanity vs the Internet

2012-02-26T22:22:00.002+09:00

Thanks everyone for your best wishes on my previous post.

I feel very stressed this evening. It's my own fault; let me walk you through it.

It started innocently enough. I've been getting some cramping still in the uterus area plus on the left side. As the left side was the big ovary that's not surprising but I don't remember having this amount of cramping with my last fresh cycle. So I googled cramping after egg retrieval and crinone side effects also as I've been having the wonderful crinone discharge today.

Then, as I was already googling, I googled success rates of 5 day blastos. The interesting thing was that on one IVF calculator I was given a success rate of 20% per cycle, and another I was given a rate of 47% per cycle. I googled some more, and some more and... you get the idea.

I did this googling in theory to make me feel more confident. A 47% chance is pretty good after all. But of course there is the nagging voice telling me that of course I will be part of the 53% who it doesn't work for. Just as I was part of the 60% or so when my last two transfers failed.

So now I'm sitting here hoping that writing this post will take away some of my stress. Generally speaking I've been feeling quietly confident about this cycle, but at the same time I can't imagine ever getting two lines on a test. I feel like I'm destined always to have failed cycles. Tonight's googling didn't help.

On the plus side we didn't get called yesterday to say come in today for a 3 day transfer. What I'm scared about now is getting the call tomorrow saying not to bother coming in on Tuesday morning as all our embryos have arrested.

Also, if we get some to transfer, I'm worried that my Doc won't give me anything more than the progesterone for the 2WW to support the pregnancy. I know I could ask, but I have to believe that he knows best, but if I take nothing I think that I would worry the whole time.

If I'm like this now, imagine what the 2WW (or 10 day wait actually) is going to be like.

IVF2: Retrieval

2012-02-23T14:43:00.000+09:00

The long and the short of it is that we got 9 mature eggs from this cycle which is two more than last time. I'm happy with the number, but I know that it's a long road between nine eggs and blastos ready to be transferred. Some highlights:

We got 9 eggs
The ICSI which we had pre-paid for was cancelled as dh's sperm was of 'good' quality. I hope this means that the eggs had already started to fertilize before we left the clinic. We got a $405 dollar refund.
They seem confident that we'll get some 5 day blastos, and we paid for the extra two lab days: $300
So in total we got a $105 refund.
Dh believes that the improved sperm quality is due to the omega-3, zinc and his regular 'maintenance' which he has embarked on every 3-4 days since we started the cycle on Feb 1st

Some not so highlights include: having to wait more than an hour between checking in and going in for retrieval. Apparently there was an emergency case the doc had to do something with, so me and three other women were all sitting there worrying about the time ticking by. In the hospital's defense they did check what time everyone had done their trigger, just in case someone was right at the limit.

After the transfer I was in a lot of pain and they told me they were worried I had suffered 'massive' bleeding. I tried to keep calm by reminding myself that it was probably a lost in translation problem. It was and after a not too comfortable check that I wasn't bleeding 'massively' I was able to go home.

We had lunch and I've just slept for a couple of hours. Dh has gone to work. I'm achey but on the sofa instead of in bed.

All has gone well so far. Please keep your fingers crossed that at least some my embryos make it to 5 days.

Here we go...!

2012-02-21T13:04:00.002+09:00

Trigger tonight. I feel so bloated and painful that I'm scared I'll ovulate, but I've had another cetrotide shot this morning so all should be well. I start antibiotics tomorrow night, and retrieval is 8am Thursday morning.

We have 'more than ten' follicles, but of course not all of them will have quality eggs. We also decided to go ahead with ICSI, even though dh's sperm are normal, to make as many embryos as possible. As the clinic does it anyway if sperm look 'sluggish' I'd rather know ahead of time that we're going to get as many embies as we can.

Lining at 0.9 or 1cm. I can't remember.

Dr K seems confident we'll get some 5 day blastos. I hope we have enough for this cycle and some for the freezer if this go around doesn't work out for us.

So close...

2012-02-20T23:51:00.004+09:00

...but still not there yet!

I went in today expecting to be told that we'd be triggering tonight, but alas, not yet! Scan went quickly. My left ovary seems to resemble a garlic bulb cut in half, which I take to be a good sign. Very uncomfortable though. I feel super bloated.

Onto Dr K, who says we're not quite there. I had one more dose of Gonal-F this morning, at 225, rather than 150. None this evening (yay!) I also had the first cetrotide shot of this cycle which while it was stingy and itchy for an hour or so afterward was not as bad as last fresh cycle. In fact, the nurse did both my shots for me and I thought she had done the Gonal-F first because it didn't sting but actually it was the cetrotide. Weird, and interesting only to me, but still... Also, they did the thing again where they draw the remaining bits of Gonal-F out of the pens with a syringe and use that for the final dose. Love it, and money saving.

Oh - also money saving is the fact that when we looked through all the pens in the fridge last night (four btw - 3x900 and 1x300) it looks as though I missed a dose, as one of the pens still had loads of medicine left in it! Unless it was a random pen which had a lot more than 900 in it (unlikely), I definitely forgot to do one of the injections! We think it might have been on Thursday night, but can't remember for sure. Anyway, we weren't too worried as we'd seen Dr K since then. When we told him he just laughed and said it was one way to save money. Maybe that's one more reason why I've responded slowly.

Dr K says we're doing the retrieval Thursday morning, but we'll have to see for sure tomorrow. I guess trigger will be tomorrow night (Tuesday) and I'll have another cetrotide shot tomorrow morning. Wednesday might be injection free! But I'm not holding my breath on that one until I actually get instructions to trigger.

No idea how many follicles I have. I've got bored of trying to work it out. The biggest measurement today was 1.6 I think. Lining at 0.7mm I believe (though I can't quite remember).

The Fertility Blanket

2012-02-18T16:58:00.001+09:00

Last week I mentioned a knitting project I am working on, quite superstitiously, during this IVF cycle.

It is a pattern published in Stitch'n bitch Superstar Knitting, which I got for Christmas. The pattern is called 'Fertility Blanket' which of course got my attention. The pattern author is Pamela Grossman and you can visit her blog here.

The design is called a Fertility Blanket because, well, the lace pattern looks kind of like 'lady bits.' While I'm obviously not going to have a baby the old fashioned way, I like having this project to work on during this cycle.

I've taken some very bad pictures, but it's a slightly lighter green than the picture indicates. Green is a good fertility colour, so it seems appropriate.

I've still got at least 2 weeks left of this cycle, so I'm doing it slowly!

Two more days of stimms btw. Lead follicle at 1.4cm this morning.

Slowly slowly...

2012-02-17T06:49:00.003+09:00

Repeat scan yesterday was fine. Not sure how many follicles at what sizes, as while they measure all of them, they only do three while you're actually in 'the chair.' Lead follicle on the left was at 1cm. The next two at 0.8cm. Lining 0.6cm. Repeat scan at *yuck* 7.30am Saturday morning. I imagine that will be when the cetrotide comes into the mix. Great.

I feel really bloated on the left side, and that's where most of the follicles seemed to be yesterday. It's quite uncomfortable even to lie down, and I'm up super early today (though that's partly because I have so much to do today for work.)

I ended up at the clinic for two hours yesterday. Luckily I had expected to be there for at least an hour, so I didn't get too frustrated. I knew I had to do the following: ultrasound, see Dr K, blood draw, EKG, chest x-ray, pharmacy, injection room. The last one I could have skipped and just done it myself, but I've not primed a Gonal-F pen myself before (they always do it for you) and as I was headed directly to work, rather than home, I wouldn't have really had any privacy to sit and work it out properly. By the way, doing injections in the bathroom stall is not as bad as I expected.

Dr K commented yet again that I am responding 'slowly.' I pointed out to him that he makes this comment every cycle we do together, and that perhaps we could just consider it normal for me. He agreed. I don't blame him for not remembering my last fresh cycle as it was last June, and he must have treated literally thousands of other women since then!

I'm quite happy to be going slowly, so long as I don't prematurely ovulate or anything. Given the somewhat unscientific evidence that the luteal phase of my cycle seems to shorten depending on how many days are before the trigger, I'm happy for the stimm period to be a few days longer than 'normal.' Every day I'm doing frantic mental calculations: if the pre-trigger stage is 3 days plus 9 days of stimming = 12 days x 2 = roughly a 24 day cycle. That might give my embryos a fighting chance... Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

I'm not a fertility specialist, but I do know that the logic in the paragraph above is probably flawed and that my mental calculations will make no difference to the outcome. However I do it to keep myself sane and to believe we might be in with a fighting chance this time. Yesterday I was oddly optimistic, and Dr K seemed to be as well.

It's strange because I never quite know where to put myself on the glass half full half empty scale. In most other elements of my life I subscribe to the 'things will work out in the way they are meant to be' theory. I think I do believe that if IVF doesn't work out for us eventually, there is some 'reason' for it.

Over the last year or so I have seen the full range of emotions from IF bloggers. I've seen wild optimism result in joy but also in misery. I've seen the gloomiest, most pessimistic bloggers rewarded with both success and failure. I've seen enough to know that mental state seems to have no bearing on success rate, despite what positive thinking advocates would have you believe.

My previous argument was that if you are realistic and don't get your hopes up too much, then it's easier to deal with it if a cycle results in failure. But is it though? If we truly believed, deep down, that a cycle is going to fail, then we wouldn't bother to go through it. Does feeling optimistic and allowing yourself to imagine a possible future make the fall any harder if it comes?

I Don't Like Mondays

2012-02-13T11:00:00.001+09:00

I don't like Mondays because the clinic is always busy on a Monday morning, today being no exception. Waiting waiting waiting at every turn, but luckily I didn't have any freak outs today.

3 more days of stimms at 150 Gonal F twice a day, back on Thursday for repeat scan
Only one blood vial drawn today. Yay!
Another $600, bring us to $1300 in under a week. Our last fresh cycle cost just over $4000, so I know we have a way to go yet! Luckily it's pay day on Thursday

Thats all for now as I need to get ready to go to work - busy day ahead.

Started stimms

2012-02-10T16:01:00.001+09:00

The witch showed her face earlier than expected on Wednesday, so it was off to the clinic today for a Day 3 ultrasound, bloods (four vials - ouch) and starting on stimms.

I had a total meltdown in Dr K's office because while I was waiting for ultrasound (I had to wait for ages today) lots of women were coming out with pictures of their fetus' and they kept turning the sound on so that they could hear the heart beats. Which meant that everyone waiting could hear the heartbeats as well. By the time I got back to Dr K's office I was convinced that it was never going to happen for us and that it was all for nothing. I'm not wholly out of that frame of mind yet today.

I'm on 300 of Gonal F, split to 150 two times of day. This is a complete pain as it means that I have to do the evening one at work, which means carting the pen around and leaving it in the work fridge.

Things I am doing and not doing

2012-02-07T10:21:00.000+09:00

Things I am doing so far this IVF cycle

taking Progynova (doctor prescribed).
taking Omega-3 (I was already taking it because my knees are terrible and the weather is really cold) I looked it up and it doesn't seem to hinder IVF and some studies suggest it might help a little. Also my skin is amazing right now because of it.
taking a multivitamin (because it has nearly everything in it including folic acid).
taking folic acid (I picked some up in the UK over Christmas) I don't care if it can increase the chances of multiple births. Surely that means it might help at least one embryo stick and develop well? Please.
making my husband take Omega-3 and the multivitamin which has zinc in it (studies suggest these are good for sperm).
knitting a green fertility blanket (more on this is in a later post.) I'm doing this slowly as I don't want to finish it before the cycle ends.
praying.

Things I am not doing (yet)

giving up caffeine (this happen definitely at ET, maybe before).
getting my hopes up.
telling anyone in real life except my manager and my best friend in Korea. Not even my mother this time. It hurts too much to have to say the words out loud if/when it fails. If you know me in real life and see my mother, don't say a word! My parents know we'll be trying again, but not when.

Not a great start!

2012-02-04T07:35:00.001+09:00

Considering how much we want to have a baby, and how much we've already been through - why do I keep forgetting to take my medication?

IVF 2 is go!

2012-02-02T10:43:00.003+09:00

Bullets:

Yesterday's ultrasound showed I had ovulated.
Started on Progynova yesterday - apparently not downregging, instead working on keeping my lining in place during the 2ww. Not quite sure how this works, but then I'm not a fertility specialist.
Dr agreed that if embryos look dodgy on day 3 we can do a 3 day transfer instead of 5, but we're going to try for five.
Have to go back on day 2-3 of my next period to start stimms.

Nothing else to report at the moment.

Happy New Year

2012-01-22T09:12:00.002+09:00

Happy Lunar New Year everyone!

I hope the year of the dragon brings you happiness and, if like me you're still stuck in limbo, a BFP and successful pregnancy.

A successful appointment

2012-01-16T22:45:00.001+09:00

Today's appointment in bullets, as it's nearly 11pm and I just got home from work:

Dr K said he had expected to 'make it easily' the previous cycles, and he seemed sorry it wasn't the case.
I was very determined and remembered all my questions.
We're going to down-reg for 2 weeks (or so) before starting stimms. He says it will suppress my natural hormones and hopefully stop my period from coming so early. Also I assume I will be on aspirin and whatever the other drugs were last time.
The best bit: We can go for 5 day embryos! Obviously it depends on whether the embryos make it that far, but as I thought the clinic only did 3 day transfers I'm very, very pleased with this.
Go back on Feb 1st for an ultrasound to check for ovulation and start downregging.

I still don't feel confident that we will get pregnant, but I'm happy with how this appointment went.

Rats, Rats and Double Rats!

2012-01-12T10:41:00.003+09:00

Well, CD1 finally arrives and I call my clinic to make an appointment. I'm supposed to make an appointment for Day 3 of the cycle, Saturday, except... my doctor isn't there on Saturday. I can see another doctor if I want...

Hmmm - no, I'd prefer to see the doctor who has done my previous cycles with me and knows how my body reacts. I'm very aware of the statistical failure rate of IVF and I don't blame the doctor when it doesn't work.

My doctor's not in til Monday. Make an appointment which will put me on cycle day 5. B*ggery rats.

This isn't the end of the world however, as next weekend and the start of next week is a national holiday called Sollal. It's Chinese New Year and it is one of two times a year when Korean actually *stops* (think Christmas). In terms of dates, that would probably mean that the point where I would need to be monitored regularly and triggered would be during this holiday. It might even mean that egg retrieval would fall on the holiday. Chances are the clinic wouldn't be operating properly at this time.

I shall go to my Monday appointment with questions in mind about what we can do differently this cycle to hopefully make it work. Question number 1: What are you going to change in the treatment plan this time around? Question number 2: Is there any possibility to try to take any embryos to Day 5?

I'm also not sure whether to ask to increase the stimms dose to try to make as many eggs as possible as we would have more frozen embryos.

Any other questions I could ask? Bearing in mind that I've already been through one frozen and one fresh and so I don't need to ask about procedural stuff.

2012... meh.

2012-01-01T23:02:00.001+09:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

I am in a pretty dark place ttc wise at the moment. One of the first things I saw this morning on checking Facebook were people making pregnancy announcements. Dark dark place.

We are planning to start IVF#2 in my next cycle in January. That's the plan at the moment anyway. To be honest I'm not sure how much about it I will report on this blog. I am also fairly sure I'm not in a place to be too involved in the 'community' at present. I can't deal with all the successes when all we seem to get is failure.

It seems at the moment that within the last year everyone who I was on the journey with have got their BFPs. I am the last woman standing at the beginning of 2012, and I can't take making more ttc 'friends' only to have them outstrip me as well.

If you had success in 2011 I am very happy for you, but I need to reassess the way I deal with this process, as my previous way doesn't seem to be working.

When...?

2011-12-02T00:51:00.001+09:00

How many times can I write reasonable, seemingly balanced blog posts when inside I am screaming about how unfair things seem to be?

<Here is the one reasonable element in this post. I know that some bloggers in the IF sphere are having a genuine shit time - losses and bed rest and etc. In contrast I am feeling sorry for myself. On my own blog. If you don't like it, don't read it.>

Good: I have a good job I mostly enjoy. My husband and I are happy, for the most part.

Not so good: I'm not actually in the career I want to be in, but changing isn't as easy as writing up my CV. And I can't have a baby.

Many other people can have babies, including most of the people on my current blog roll. Of people who can't have babies. Like me.

Fertily challenged?

Well, the great news is, if you're going through a cycle right now, and you're on my blog list... congratulations, you will almost certainly get pregnant this time around. Never mind that you've been through IVF and it failed, you'll just get pregnant the old fashioned way. Yay! Good for you! Also, if you're really lucky, you'll be having twins. Woohoo!

Bitter? You f*cking bet. Want to hear some more?

It's been a bad week for 'announcements' In fact, one guy I know posted about his wife's pregnancy in three languages in his FB update. In case you missed it in English, it is in Spanish. And Korean for good measure.

Here's my Spanish: Estoy embarazado, pero estoy sangrado. Tengo miedo. <If you don't speak Spanish, google translate works just fine>

Sometimes I think things that I hate. I think them before I can stop myself. Jealousy sucks; thank goodness I'm not Catholic. Because of the guilt. But sometimes I pray. I am selfish and I pray not for other people, but for myself. And yet I cannot promise anything to a God I only partly believe in. I can't promise 'I will never ask for anything else' because what if my child, or my husband, or my parents are ill in the future? (Or myself for that matter.) I would ask again.

Along with prayer is the power of The S.ecret. If you focus on one thing enough it will come to you. Ask and it shall be given unto you. And etc. I ask for a baby. I think 'baby baby baby.' Then I get a twinge in my scar site (as often happens through my cycle) and I think 'ectopic.' According to the power of The S.ecret, the universe doesn't recognise the concept of negatives: 'I don't want an ectopic,' is not recognised as such. It will only hear 'ectopic' and bring me one.

I saw a colleague rubbing her bump today and I wanted to scream. Instead I put on a happy face and went and taught other people's children.

When do I get to break down and scream and cry for more than an hour? After all of my BFNs this year I have pulled it together and gone to work, even though I know that my boss would understand if I called in sick. Why won't I let myself wallow? Because I know it could always be worse?

You know what? F*ck that. I've lost 6 potential children. 5 embryos and 1 poor thing who settled in in the wrong place. I didn't know if any of them were boys or girls or what kind of person they might have become. When I let myself get invested I get my heart broken.

I still blame myself. I blame myself for being a stupid idiotic twenty-four-year-old who never believed that anything like that could happen to her. And because of this I don't let myself feel bad. I force myself to accept the situation as punishment for being a stupid, drunk idiot who then continued to be a stupid fool who was too scared to go get checked up.

By the time you've finished reading this, you'll probably be pregnant.

November Ends

2011-11-27T15:14:00.001+09:00

November has chugged along. I have been in turns up and down. I have been fine with my infertility; I have been upset by pregnancy announcements and birth announcements which have been coming thick and fast through the month. I have been disturbed and irritated by the media. Especially this article yesterday that brought me close to tears at the thought of someone having one of those dolls and pretending it was real, and then knowing it wasn't in turns, and the pain it would cause. We're trying really hard not to treat the cat like a baby.

I have been sewing and knitting and things at work have been capital-C-crazy. I can't explain what has been going on, as we have been told not to discuss it openly until the situation is fully resolved in March next year. Let's just say it's inconvenient, irritating and no-one is looking forward to the next few months. And we're not being compensated for the situation either.

Christmas rushes on, bringing the dread of seeing family for the first time in nearly two years and having to field the 'when are you going to have kids' questions. I think my answer will be 'you tell me' as I'm pretty sure the universe has some bizarre plans for my husband and I where it comes to offspring.

Saturday

2011-11-12T10:48:00.001+09:00

It's Saturday morning, and I slept late (until ten). I don't really like to do this because on a Sunday I have to get up at seven for work, so I don't like to oversleep the day before. I also hate wasting my day off. I already 'wasted' yesterday with a mild hangover. In fact it was wasted by knitting part of a jumper, then realising that I wasn't going to have enough wool to finish it. I then unravelled it and started a different pattern.

I actually don't really have much to do today. I have plans this afternoon for a few hours. Otherwise my day is free. It's a nice day, still sunny despite it being November, and I wasn't attacked by marauding mosquitos in the night (despite it being November, they are crazy this year).

AF spotting started on Thursday, so I guess CD1 is right around the corner, as in later today. That will make my cycle a full 35-6 days this time.

Off the back of this I've made the decision to definitely wait until January to start again. I don't want any more drugs right now. I want to give my body a break. All I took for the FET was some HRT drugs and progesterone, but still. The thought of the combination that would be going into my body for another fresh cycle makes me feel tired already.

I have made the decision to probably not do overtime in January (which is a lucrative option) which I suspect is because I subconsciously want to get back on the horse again with treatments.

Long Day

2011-11-08T23:09:00.001+09:00

Today is my long day at work, but I am determined not to collapse into bed as soon as I come in the door so I thought I may as well write a blog post.

It's CD32 and AF hasn't shown yet. I have not POAS, and I'm pretty sure writing these words will hasten CD1 on its way. Ever since my ectopic my cycle has been longer anyway, though it might have been longer before that as well, I just never really kept much track of it. I just always assumed it was 28 days.

I've been working, a lot, and trying not to think about infertility. Things are more or less fine, though I hate my schedule this term and have a couple of really long days.

I'm also trying to do Nanowrimo, but it's not going so well so far. I'm pretty far behind at the moment, though I still have time to catch up.

We had the news at work today that our office is moving, though probably not very far and not until March, so we don't have to worry too much about it until after Christmas. We're all quite pleased about it though (as our office now is really cramped and old), and are hoping that we'll move to an area with better lunch options.

Addison has four eggs... they're called follicles, dummie!

2011-11-07T09:27:00.005+09:00

Call yourself a fertility doctor.

If you watch Private Practice, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I've suspected for a while that the creator of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and the now-cancelled Off the Map might have some fertility issues. Or someone in her team must, right? Or at the very least they are trying to raise awareness of the commonness of infertility. Lets examine the evidence:

Grey's Anatomy: Meredith has an early miscarriage from an accidental conception, then trouble conceiving again. She and Derek go through fertility treatments, which they have to give up because of side effects. Now trying to get their adopted baby back through the courts after having her taken away.
Private Practice: Addison, who first made moves to have a baby with donated sperm about six years ago only to be told she 'didn't have any eggs', is doing IVF. OK, actually she was told she had high FSH, but the show repeated used the line 'I don't have any eggs.' It's a fairly well told storyline, except for the ridiculous weeping on day one of stimms.
Off the Map: Spanish Lady Doctor (I can't remember her name, give me a break, it's cancelled) had endometriosis, and openly declared that she couldn't have children.

So, unless they received some audience research that infertile women in particular watch these programs and they're playing to their audience, I would suspect there is something else going on.

I'm not finding the Private Practice storyline too irritating- except when the doctor said she had four eggs while looking at an ultrasound of her ovary- I did actually shout 'it's called a follicle!' Overall though I feel it's being done quite respectfully and without that tone of 'aren't infertile women hysterical and hilarious when they're doing treatments' that you get in some dramas.

Bullets!

2011-11-02T11:15:00.003+09:00

Time to update, bullet style:

It's November, which means National Novel Writing Month. This is my 5th year, and hopefully my 4th success (I epically failed last year). Currently on target (on day 2 - big whoop). Best aid to writing ever btw - white noise generator. Apparently Jonathan Franzen uses one. My writerly friend turned me onto it. It's awesome, plus also seems to calm the cat down a bit.
Knitting and stuff continues at a rate of knots (no pun intended). I have two projects 'on needles' at the moment, which I want to finish before starting a new one.
I've started Korean language classes, after four years of living in the country - yes, it is embarrassing but I'm trying to put it right at least.
The countdown to Christmas begins (at work at least) as I start to plan the Christmas parties for our centre
No decisions made as yet about treatments.

New Look

2011-10-27T21:01:00.000+09:00

I've put a new template on my blog. I've had the old design for what seems like a long time, and decided it's time for a change.

For now I'm just having a clean, white look. I may get it professionally redesigned or I might just go with a blogger template.

Snap!

2011-10-24T22:08:00.001+09:00

Lately, I have been in a reasonable mood most of the time (not counting my Saturday morning insomnia.) I am generally cheerful, I'm engaged with my work and doing some craft projects to pass the time as well. I just got a sewing machine last week and I've been downloading patterns to make some simple clothes. I'm also knitting a lot and trying to cook more.

Things are good generally, until something annoying happens. Then... *SNAP* I'm irritable and stroppy and really annoying to be around. It happened last week at work relating to our pension contributions, and it happened today about a timetable change I hadn't been consulted about. I snap, start ranting, and then can't seem to calm down.

Today I was really stroppy with my colleague who mentioned that she had known about the possibility of my timetable change. I said that it was so nice that other people were consulted about my timetable when I hadn't been... The colleague in question is in charge of the project/class I would be working on - of course she was consulted. But I was really stroppy and childish about it.

The problem is that once I calm down I know I am overreacting, but I can't seem to stop it happening. It's really frustrating because I know it's unprofessional and it makes me look unstable.

My problem was also with another colleague who is, not to put too fine a point on it, a b*tch at the moment. She really stressed me out yesterday, and then was really cattishly pleased today that I had been put on this high work load project. I know why she was pleased about it (because she has had to take over a different high work load class from me, as I was sick of it and had done a full term) but it was so catty and childish.

I'm still angry now. I'm really snappy with my husband because I keep thinking he's reading this post over my shoulder as I write it. I was snappy because he didn't take the recycling down at exactly the time he said he would, as if it makes any difference.

I am so sick of myself right now.

Stupid O'Clock

2011-10-22T06:36:00.003+09:00

I am awake at stupid o'clock this morning - blame a 4am mosquito - and dwelling, somewhat gloomily, on our situation.

There have been quite a few positives this week, as I predicted there would be. I am happy for everyone who got their positive over the last week, but I am also depressed about my own inability to conceive.

I don't know that I can do IVF again. Does that make me weak? I just keep dwelling on the injections and the surgery and the stress of the two week wait and the devastation when it doesn't work.

And adoption right now is not an option for several reasons. Firstly, we don't live in our home country, and at the moment, given the recent changes to the visa laws for foreign students to the UK, we'd be unlikely to get full time, permanent jobs in our field. (Thanks for destroying an industry in the name of national security UK government - forget all the teachers, support staff and host families who are losing their jobs and income, in order to keep out people who are trying to learn the language and integrate into our culture. Really, well done.) Also, given the financial situation we would be unlikely to be able to buy a home in the UK for quite a while.

Therefore, we wouldn't be able to go through the rigmarole of the adoption process. I have half thought about looking into what the rules would be for trying to adopt internally while we are here in Korea, but we don't have residency (that's another long torturous process right there) and wouldn't be able to apply for it for another four years.

I hate the way my mind works at stupid o'clock.

Why Are We Doing This?

2011-10-14T09:01:00.000+09:00

So FET one is well and truly over. AF has come and gone and I'm back into a natural cycle.

We decided before the FET that we would wait until the new year to try again but we have been discussing whether or not to. I know it seems strange but...

Before the ectopic we had been 'not avoiding' for two years. But we weren't really worried and we didn't go and see anyone because in all honesty we didn't have enough money to have a baby. Our work and lifestyle was a little unstable (though not in our current jobs) so even though it wasn't happening we didn't worry too much.

Then the ectopic happened and everything changed. Suddenly we were told that we couldn't have children, and it was the only thing I wanted. The interesting thing about it was that I was in the middle of the application for my current job, and if you had asked me before the ectopic what was the most important thing at the time, I would have said 'the job'.

Then, when I was told I couldn't have something, I wanted it desperately. Of course, being pregnant for a couple of weeks made me realise how much I wanted it as well.

So now we're nearly a year into various fertility treatment and I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick of the stress and the hope and the seemingly inevitable failure. In contrast at work I have a situation where I concentrate on something, I work hard, and I am 'successful' at it. I do know that this is a way of avoiding the pain of infertility and failure, but I really need some positivity at the moment. I can't keep moping around knowing that I seem to be the only one that it doesn't work for (after one fresh IVF cycle and one FET, yes, drama queen here.)

So for now, we're trying the old fashioned way. Personally I really want to actually get our sex life back, and I'm sure my husband will agree. We'll revisit treatments in the new year.

Yucktastic!

2011-10-10T09:38:00.003+09:00

Read no further if you don't feel like being grossed out.

I stopped all meds on Tuesday after the negative Beta, including the Progynova which was holding off AF. I also stopped the crinone gel.

If you have ever used crinone gel, then you know a little about it's more negative side. The build up, which has to be removed *ahem* 'manually in the shower' as my box instructions recommend. I don't think the shower part is particularly important, but whatever.

AF spotting started on Friday, and with it my body started to naturally pass some of the crinone build up, which was by then mixed in with spotting blood. So incredibly gross.

The thing is that I thought I had been fairly dedicated this cycle about trying to get rid of build up during the 2WW. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I was really surprised at the sheer amount of the stuff still appearing. Where was it coming from? Where had it been hiding?

I did warn you this was gross, remember.

Further grossness ensued when I realised that the shower drain was draining really slowly on Saturday. I attacked it with a wire hanger and... well, in addition to all the hair and soap stuck in there...

Sorry, perhaps I could have kept that one to myself.

I seem to have passed all the crinone, and am now having one of the heaviest periods I'm had in recent years (with the exception of the one after my ectopic). I was glad when AF showed, as at least the drugs I was on hadn't f-ed up my cycle too much (about 3 days longer, so that's not too bad).

4dpBFN

2011-10-08T22:16:00.002+09:00

I'm OK. I'm shocked actually about how OK I am. I had a cry Tuesday morning before heading in for my beta. Then I went to work and held it together because I had to.

I got mildly drunk after work on Thursday (bearing in mind Friday is my weekend) and ended up sobbing. But that might have been because I watched that Glee episode with Neil Patrick Harris and all the thwarted dreams. The final scene with the Les Miserable song had me pretty wrecked:

'I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I'm living'

Then I went to bed, and woke up with an acidic stomach and a headache. I had a fight with my husband over MTV and the washing up not being done. I stormed into the bedroom and read a few pages of Gone With the Wind. I calmed down, and life went on as normal.

So now we're taking a break until the new year and then who knows? I want to shop around and see if I can find a clinic that will do 5 day transfers.

I'm going back to the gym and hoping to lose weight. I have a new project at work. I have Christmas and lots of other things. I'm going to try not to think too much about fertility (or lack thereof) for a while. I fully suspect everyone will be pregnant by the time I come back in the new year!

FET 1 is Another BFN

2011-10-04T08:41:00.000+09:00

FRER shows a BFN at 10dp3dt. That's 14dpo, CD30. I'm going in later for the beta, but won't get the results until 4 o'clock this afternoon, so I'll update then.

**Update** Beta was 2.19, so a definite no, but at least I don't have to worry about an ectopic either!

One More Day 'til Beta

2011-10-03T07:42:00.001+09:00

I decided against testing this morning. I was planning on it, but then yesterday I decided to wait til tomorrow. If the clinic only does the blood test 10dp3dt then using an HPT before that would just be crazy making if it was negative (see my previous post). I know myself and I would still be saying 'maybe it might be different in one more day' if there was any more time to wait before the Beta test.

So what do I think...?

Honestly, I'm veering on the side of it not working. This is a self preservation technique of course. I still have hope though, but I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Reasons to hope: I have some mild symptoms, though they could easily be explained as the drugs I'm taking. AF has not yet shown herelf, even in spotting (again, drugs) If this were a normal cycle she would be appearing until this week, so it's not that much of a miracle.

One more day to go...

Idiot

2011-09-30T09:25:00.001+09:00

Like a fool I tested with a FRER hpt last night when I got in from work. BFN at 6and a half dp3dt.

Then, like the desperate woman I am I stared at the little screen trying to see whether there was even a ghost of a line. I thought there might be at some angles, but I suspect it was my brain playing tricks on me. When I finally held it up to the light I couldn't see anything there.

Today I'm feeling conflicted. While I know it's very early to test, the FRER tests say they have a 78% accuracy rate four days before your period is due. And I just have that feeling as well, which I've had for the last couple of days, that this hasn't worked at all.

I'm so angry with myself because I knew I would feel this way if I tested that early and it was a BFN. I would be both upset that the cycle had failed, and still hoping because it was so early to test .

The only things that are stopping me from giving up right now are some recurring twinges I'm getting in the same place on my left side. Of course, even these can't fill me with joy as they are on the same side as my ectopic. So I've got paranoia mixed in there as well.

Not a great start to my weekend. I'm going to try to forget about the whole thing and then test again on Monday if AF hasn't shown her face. Beta on Tuesday.

Worried Wednesday

2011-09-28T09:45:00.001+09:00

My worries are myriad and often free floating, but I'm hoping writing them down will help assuage them a little. If not, then a problem shared is a problem halved (or at least reduced a little). I have shared my worries with my husband, but he just says 'I know,' as in 'I know you're worried.' It's true that there is very little that can be done to stop me worrying, but I just want to get them out there. In no particular order:

In my fresh cycle back in July I started spotting today, 5and a half dp3dt. It was horrible and I don't want it to happen again. I keep repeating to myself that I'm on completely different meds (except for the progesterone) and that I didn't trigger this time around, which my doctor agrees was a factor. Logic suggests, as I'm following my natural cycle, that the earliest AF would show herself would be next Tuesday (as I ovulated last Tuesday. I know this for sure as I had a u/s on Monday and hadn't ovulated, but I had at u/s on Wednesday.) However the 2WW is anything but logical and I've been on toilet roll check since Saturday.
I thought that the progynova would stop AF from coming early, but an internet search suggests that that isn't the case. If AF wants to show her horrible face, she will.
I don't have any symptoms at all. I have a little bit of cramping but that could so easily be from the medication as well.
Writing my last post made me think about how much I really want this FET to work. I'm glad I wrote it because it had been kicking round my head for a few days, but it's also made me think a lot about what success of this cycle would mean. It's not just two lines on a pee-stick, or a rising beta. It's the life of a human being: my potential child.
I'm going to test with a FRER on Saturday (or maybe Friday). I'll be 8-9dp3dt which I know other people have seen results on. The other reason is that if it's negative I can be upset on my day off, rather than on a work day.
I've listed my blog on both Cyclesista and ICLW this month, but I haven't been able to face exploring/following people's cycles. I did that on my fresh cycle and it seemed everyone else got pregnant and I didn't. If this cycle is going to fail, I don't need to have everyone else's success rubbed in my face. I even had one lovely woman, who was spotting at the same time as me and very sympathetic, end up with a BFP. I can't deal with it again.
If this doesn't work out we're not going again until the new year. It's too stressful to start again right away and I think I need to give my body a break.
With that in mind, I've promised myself that if this cycle doesn't work then I'm going to try to lose some weight and get in shape before the next cycle. I'd started going to the gym before this cycle and I was a little... conflicted... about stopping for the FET. I want a baby more than I want to lose weight, of course.

That's all for now, but I definitely feel better writing it down.

Dear Embryos...

2011-09-26T09:22:00.002+09:00

Dear Embryos,

I have learned in the past that ~~asking~~ pleading for you to stick is not enough to make you decide to make my uterus your home. I realise that I never really sold life with me and your father well enough. So here goes.

If you choose to settle down and implant over the next few days, you will be making the best decision of your short lives so far. You will be settling down to nine comfortable months in a cozy space. Doesn't that sound good?

But that's not all. After your sojourn in my uterus is up (all good things must come to an end after all) the real fun will start. You'll get to be a baby. A cute, chubby baby with cute little clothes, some of which I promise to try to make myself. When you cry you'll get picked up and fed and changed and coddled.

Being a toddler will be super fun. You'll have so many things to play with, all bright and colourful. You'll also have you cat-bro Patxi to play with. You'll love him so much. He's white and likes to run around. I suspect he might be your first word! You guys will have a ball together. You'll get to try all kinds of different foods, and different games. Oh the fun we will have!

Next up, childhood. Books, art supplies, iPads, school, TV. Everyone wishes they could be a kid again, don't you want to stick around long enough to get there?

When you're a teenager, things might get rough between us. You'll want to do things that your Dad and I will disagree with. Maybe we'll fight. Maybe you'll do things in secret. Just know that we'll love you and you can always come to us, no matter what happens.

Then - the world. The choices you will have. You can do whatever you want with your life, and we'll try our hardest to get you there.

If that doesn't sound enough, your family are amazing. Your grandparents will love you so much - more than you could imagine. And you'll have uncles and aunts as well. You already have four cousins! Two of them aren't much older than you'll be.

This offer has a time window of the next few days. It's all up to you. I'm doing my best to make my uterus homely enough, so please consider living your life with ours.

Love Mum and Dad.

The Transfer and the Sandwich

2011-09-24T08:56:00.001+09:00

1dp3dt

Dearie me, I just re-read my post from yesterday and I don't think it could have been more incoherent! It reads like a drunk person wrote it (which I guess in a way I was with the valium). After a fairly bad night's sleep I feel much better and more able to construct a coherent paragraph.

As I said yesterday the transfer went well. I was much more relaxed (except during the part where my doc put the whatever through my cervix, that always hurts a little for me) and then went to sleep for an hour or so. As I was being wheeled out Dr K gave me a high-five for 'sticky embryos.' Seriously.

As I was leaving, as last time, I was given an egg sandwich and a small box of soy milk. I drank the soy milk as we were leaving the clinic.

Onto the infamous sandwich. Here it is:

I couldn't face it after the transfer, but I did have an egg in my burger when we went out to lunch, so I don't feel too bad about not eating it.

Why the sandwich and soy milk?

I posted a week or so ago about the fact that my clinic doesn't offer intralipids. However I looked it up and intralipids are basically a mix of soy oil and egg yolks. It might be a coincidence that my clinic gives an egg sandwich and soy milk after transfer, but I doubt it. As it couldn't hurt anything I started drinking soy milk instead of cow's milk last week, and I will continue to until my test date.

I should add that my clinic does not say 'you must eat this sandwich and drink this soy milk to aid implantation' and that the whole 'soy milk' theory is one I have invented myself.

It can't hurt.

PUPO!

2011-09-23T12:25:00.001+09:00

The FET transfer went well this morning. Of the three frosties we had, two survived the thaw. I have no idea what they are supposed to look like, but one looked round and other other sort of round but a bit blobby. Only an embryologist knows I guess.

In contrast to my last transfer, there were only two of us there, and my doc wasn't doing any retrievals either. This mean I went in around 8.20, and the transfer was done by 8.35! I then slept there for about an hour, lay around for an hour, and was allowed to go at 10.20. I also felt much more relaxed and less anxious than last time. I asked the woman at the desk how many embryos we had before going in, which relaxed me a lot.

I feel a bit spacey now (valium again) so I'm lying in bed. I don't think I need to sleep, but I'm going to just take it easy. We then went for a ten minute walk to the bus stop, and got the bus home. My husband has gone to the gym, then we're going out to lunch.

September ICLW

2011-09-22T21:54:00.002+09:00

Welcome to everyone from ICLW.

I am doing my frozen transfer tomorrow so I am trying to distract myself from all things fertility related. I am reassuring myself that I have been given aspirin to increase blood flow, progesterone gel to support a pregnancy, and progynova to hopefully correct a luteal phase problem I have had in previous cycles (when triggered, which I'm not being this time).

Update tomorrow after transfer (fingers crossed)

Ready, set, FET!

2011-09-21T11:44:00.004+09:00

We have a date - Friday 23rd, in 2 days. Lining at 0.7cm today, so hopefully it will get a bit thicker by Friday.

I also got a nice big pack of drugs as well, which I was glad to get. Astrix - which is basically aspirin, an antibiotic, Crinone gel again (beats an injection) and Progynova to keep my lining thick.

We're going ahead with thawing all three embryos - lets just hope at least one (though hopefully two) will survive the thaw. I'll probably update next after the transfer (assuming it goes ahead).

FET 2nd Scan

2011-09-19T12:12:00.002+09:00

Nothing exciting happening. I was a bit disappointed not to set a date for the transfer today but I have to go back in on Wednesday. I guess this is the price I pay for having a relatively drug free cycle - we just have to keep on checking. I was in and out of the clinic in about 10 minutes.

I have a follicle on one side (1.5cm) and lining at 0.6-7mm. Hopefully by Wednesday we can set the date.

Feeling Worse

2011-09-17T21:18:00.001+09:00

I've been having the usual worries over the last couple of days. Those worries that even though I know IVF success is cumulative and it will probably be successful eventually, that I will be one of those women for whom it doesn't work. Even after 2 or 3 or 4 cycles.

I know everyone has that worry as well, but sometimes it's difficult to shake the feeling.

I then read this article in the newspaper. It's sensitively done, but it freaked me out. I think it is important to point out that for some people IVF doesn't work. There seems to be a belief in modern culture that IVF is the key to all infertility problems, when in fact the success rates, no matter what an individual clinic might say, are around the 30-35% percent point per fresh cycle for someone in my age range. It's not like on TV.

Anyway, I read the article, and felt even worse.

Parenthood (TV show)

2011-09-16T08:21:00.000+09:00

I really like the show Parenthood. I don't expect it's a trendy thing to like, but I started watching it when I found out Lauren Graham was in it (huge Gilmore Girls fan) and got hooked. Each episode never seems to be long enough for me.

Anyway, the reason I'm blogging about it is because I'm impressed with the way in which they have handled an infertility story line so far. In case you don't watch it: one of the four adult siblings, Julia, is suffering secondary infertility (due to uterine scarring I believe, but I can't quite remember - it was last season). Last season she discovered her diagnosis, then went through various reactions, including throwing herself into her older child and hoping that would make the pain go away. It didn't, and by the end of the season she and her husband (though, mostly her) had concluded that they wanted to try adoption.

Oh, also it was revealed at the end of last season that her sister-in-law, with two teenage kids already, was pregnant. Non-infertiles might see this as a plot contrivance, but as most infertiles I suspect will agree, the best way for other people to get pregnant is for you (still) not to be.

This season kicked off with the SIL being 6-7 months gone, and Julia and her husband not having had any response to adoption videos. She's getting desperate. Last night introduced the teenage, snarky, I'm-sad-to-say-Juno-rip off coffee cart girl who was - oh surprise! - pregnant. (I accept that it's a TV show and you have to have plot lines. It would be pretty boring, though realistic, if an infertility storyline stretch for years - I know I'm bored of my own, personal infertility storyline.)

After gushing over the coffee-girl's pregnancy (not sure I would have, but every one is different) being rebuffed and then discovering that coffee-girl isn't keeping the baby, we wander into some predictable territory. On to conversations with siblings and husband about 'buying' the baby.

At first I was a little uncomfortable with this language about 'buying' a baby, but then I mellowed to it. Not everyone hangs out on ALI blogs and is up to date with the correct terminology. The character was immediately pulled up on using the term 'buying' by her sister, and I expect that some people might refer to it as 'buying.' I was a bit shocked it was used a second time, but there you go.

I really hope that Parenthood doesn't go down some ridiculous road of having Julia actually attempt to 'buy' a baby. What's wrong with showing an actual adoption storyline with the stresses and worries that goes along with it?

Anyway, so far so good as far as I'm concerned (though people going through adoption may disagree).

FET 1: Scan 1

2011-09-14T11:35:00.000+09:00

Went in for the first appointment for the FET. Had a quick scan. Lining at 0.5cm; no follicle to show oncoming ovulation yet. Back on Monday.

Talked to Dr K about the number of embryos. He said that because they don't know how well the embryos will survive, he recommends thawing all of them. I don't mind really, despite wanting to try just one embryo at a time. He said the maximum we could transfer would be three, which as I only have three makes no difference to me.

That's all for now. No drugs as yet.

Moving Forward

2011-09-11T16:25:00.002+09:00

Today is September 11th and the ten year anniversary of the 911 terrorist attacks. I feel I can't write a blog post today without acknowledging that fact, even though the horrible events of that day didn't directly impact my life. At the time I was about 3 months out of university (my graduation ceremony was actually the next day) in my first proper job, and knew nothing about life. Oh, and of course thought I knew everything.

I've been reminded of my twenty-one year old self over the last week, not just because of the anniversary of 911, but because I have a student in one of my classes who is clearly in that early twenties 'I have found myself and I know everything about life' phase. It was quite amusing actually as all the other students in the class are hovering around the 30-35 mark (as am I), and clearly found his youthful know-it-all attitude both amusing and irritating in equal measure. Hopefully like me they took it as an opportunity to look back and cringe a little at their young selves.

At twenty-one I thought I knew everything. At twenty-five I thought I knew even more. Now I am at the ripe old age of thirty-one I believe quite firmly that I know very little about the world and life. If I met myself back then I know I would not like myself much.

So many things have changed in the last ten years:

I have changed careers and am in one that while it is not my dream job I am relatively good at it and I work for a well respected company. If I wanted I could travel to many different places in the world.
I am with a different man than I was ten years ago. When that relationship ended in 2004 I thought I would never get over it, and it took a while, but I did. I've now been very happily married for two and a bit years.
I left London in 2003 because I hated the place. It was too busy, too dirty, too big. I know live in a much bigger, more crowded city, and I love it. I realise now that I was the problem, not London.
Above all, I'm happy. Despite our fertility issues, I am happy. I can't say that I was in 2001.

I know some people may find it a little distasteful to be using the anniversary of terrorist attacks to talk about myself, but as I said, I don't feel I know enough about the world to comment intelligently on anything except for myself. And this is a blog, if you want an in depth analysis of world event, read The Economist website or something.

Today I am in a time-zone where I will be going to bed by the time the 911 memorials start, but my thoughts are still with everyone who lost friends and family in the attacks, and all the countless, nameless, faceless people who have died in the resulting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

FET #1 CD4

2011-09-08T11:20:00.004+09:00

The witch arrived on Monday, a few days earlier than expected but still at a respectable 28 days. I'm happy that I've apparently come back into a regular cycle after my f-ed up fresh cycle in June. I feel confident that most of the drugs will have left my system by now, and we're headed into a 'natural' cycle, though I suspect I might be on progesterone.

Yesterday I made my appointment to go in on CD10. I assume it will be for a follicle check and lining thickness, and to discuss the procedure. I have to talk to the doc about how our embryos are frozen, as that will affect how many we may transfer.

I'm leaning hard towards a single embryo transfer (eSET) if we can. I've been doing a lot of research and I'm pretty convinced that two embryos only marginally increases the chances of a viable pregnancy. It increases the chances of multiples, of course, but actual implantation rates are not much higher. As we only have 3 frozen embryos, it means that if we did two this time, we'd only have one left. We'd then have to head into a fresh cycle sooner. If we can do eSET, providing the embryos thaw OK, we could have 3 more cycles.

Of course, if the embryos were frozen together, then we will have no choice in this.

I realised last night how much my dh actually understands what's been going on. He's not a stupid man, but certain salient details don't always register. We were walking around the supermarket last night and he asked me about what he should do about making his swimmers better this time around... Um, well, as we already have embryos... Oh dear. I think he's still feeling burned about his swimmers being described as 'sluggish.' Personally I think it's more that they wanted to get as many embryos as quickly as possible and so did the ICSI. We'll see I guess if we have to do another fresh cycle.

On a slightly different note, my clinic doesn't offer interlipids, so I was wondering whether drinking soy milk might have a similar effect. After my fresh transfer they gave me a little box of soy milk to drink (along with a really nasty looking sandwich). I didn't realise it was soy milk, didn't make any connection to interlipids, and so didn't drink it. I have no idea whether it would make any difference, but soy milk is pretty healthy regardless and quite inexpensive (in fact it's cheaper than cow's milk here), so I'm going to introduce it into my diet.

Hope and Fears

2011-08-31T10:38:00.000+09:00

I'm still several weeks away from my FET transfer but I'm getting excited already. While the odds are middling I still feel that this really could be it. I hate writing those words down, as if I am jinxing something, but I also know, logically and rationally, that whether I hope or not, whether I write it down or not, the odds are pretty much the same.

Next month is Chuseok, which is often translated to Korean Thanksgiving, but is actually more like a harvest festival/family day. It's very early this year, Sept 12-13th, which is too early for my FET transfer, but during the night I woke up panicked that we would have to delay until October because of the holiday and I was unable to make the calculations in my head as to when it should be. I have put IF and treatments so far out of my head that I can't even calculate my cycle at the moment. I've been getting some mild cramping, which makes me panic that AF will come early and then the transfer will fall on the public holiday. But it all should be fine, my cycle is quite long naturally.

I've been on holiday this week and I'm working hard not to think about work. I have also thought about my priorities for the next few months.

Spend less time in the office when I can. I tend to go in way before I need to, so I'm going to try to be realistic about how long I really need to be there.
Do less overtime; my husband's new job pays a bit better, and he will have ample opportunity to do overtime himself (though he'll still be working less than his last job).
Eat more healthily.
Cook more, so we eat out less. Eating out I tend to choose less healthy choices and more often than not I will drink beer or wine (not during a 2WW of course)
Try to keep exercising. I still have three weeks until transfer. I'm not doing much but it's better than nothing. I need to speak to my doc about this when I see him in a few weeks but I expect that some light walking or cycling during the 2WW will be OK.
Try to get my cat healthier. He's chubby and needs to run around more.

Next post next week. Good luck everyone mid cycle!

One Month to Go til FET!

2011-08-25T15:47:00.000+09:00

More or less anyway.

Things have been ticking over pretty nicely. I've been working overtime which is making the time pass quickly. Last week I started going to the gym and I'm hoping to get in a little better shape before my FET in a months time. The trouble is working overtime I seem to always forget to take healthy snacks with me and end up eating unhealthy snacks such as donuts.

It has finally really stopped raining here and is really, really hot. I walked for nearly two hours across the city yesterday (there was no direct bus/subway and I didn't want to change) and bought some more bits and pieces for our flat. I really love this cheap Japanese store called Daiso which is all over town. It has lots of colourful ceramics, which are great because all the walls in my apartment are white.

We have one month to go before the FET. I'm getting cautiously excited.

Various and Sundry

2011-08-18T18:32:00.000+09:00

Updates from Seoul...

Been working like crazy the last week. This is officially a holiday week, but as I wasn't going away and I'm not in the middle of a cycle I took the opportunity to do some overtime. I'm teaching a lot and doing some testing as well, so I'm pretty tired right now.
I met up with a fellow blogger who recently moved to Seoul this afternoon for coffee. I was a little bit nervous - being IF bloggers, we obviously knew a lot about each other's quite personal business. It seemed to go well (I hope!) and it's always nice to put a face to a 'voice.'
I've had a bad Facebook week with lots of pregnancy announcements. Hidden a couple of people.
We finally had some nice weather today - the last few days it's been monsoon-style raining.
I'm hoping this weekend I will get around to putting up some pictures and photos about the place.
My husband and I had a nice game of scrabble on the balcony (we love scrabble).

That's all folks!

CD1 and I'm Happy

2011-08-10T08:00:00.000+09:00

It's CD1. Yay! This puts my cycle length this time at 31 days, which is consistent with where it's been at naturally for the last year. With no new drugs in my system, and my body recovering from an IVF cycle, I've come in at a normal cycle length for me.

I knew we hadn't beaten the odds this month. I took a hpt on CD28, knowing that if I were, it would have shown up by then. I wasn't, so it didn't, so it was just a case of waiting for the witch to arrive.

By yesterday I was starting to worry a little that I was going to have a longer cycle than normal. My doctor considered this last cycle to still be part of the IVF, to see how my body recovers from the drug-controlled (or uncontrolled in my case) cycle. I was worrying about it stretching on for weeks and weeks.

Now I have to wait for one more whole cycle, before my FET next cycle. Hopefully my body will play ball and it will be around 30 days as well. While FET usually has a lower success rate than fresh (around 25% as far as I can see) it's still the best chance we've probably had so far. I know now that it was a mistake to dive head first into the IVF so quickly. My body was worn out from so much stimulation. I should have taken a break. I'm glad to be having one now.

I'm pretty sure I will be updating weekly, as I have been doing so far.

Vases

2011-08-06T08:30:00.000+09:00

So many things I've been blogging about recently have been related to weather. It's not that there is nothing going on, in fact I'm mega busy, just that we've been having such extremes of weather that affect our everyday lives so much, that it's often all that I can think about.

This week is no exception. It started off variable, we had some rain (though nothing compared to last week, and yesterday was about the hottest day I've experienced in a while. I also had a deathly hangover from a work event the night before. It was absolutely the day to go shopping for vases.

Oh yeah, we moved last weekend. We moved from the ground floor to the first of the same building (first to second following the AmE way of describing these things) so we traipsed up and down the stairs again and again in hot, humid weather. Luckily we didn't have too much furniture to move.

Anyway, on unpacking our stuff I noticed that nearly everything we own is functional. This is not surprising, as we move every year or so, often internationally, and so having decorative items is not always practical. However we've been here for a year, we're now here for sure for another two years (with dh's new job, the contract is for two years) possibly three. Also we make a decent living now (not massively rich, but 'comfortable') and my company has a shipping provision for moving if we decide to go to another country with them (again, not massive, but enough to take the pressure off a little).

The point of this is that yesterday I decided to go and buy some decorative items. My intention was to buy a small vase for a table on our balcony, and a colourful ceramic set of mini-drawers for the top of a book shelf in the living room which I've had my eye on in a shop nearby for a while.

About a half mile from my house is a street of 'antique' shops. They have a mix of antiques and basically just junk. So I went over there in the blistering heat (using the umbrella in my bag as a parasol - yes, it really is that hot) to find them all closed. I wasn't too annoyed, as it wasn't really that far to go, but I was disappointed.

There is a pottery shop on the way back to my house which I had never been in. It's in a basement (like a lot of shops here) and I've only ever walked past the stairs going down. It had a lot of traditional Korean ceramics, which are green and kind of bulbous, but alas, no small vase for the table. Then in the corner I spied a small number of tall, thin vases of different heights. None of which were right for my table, all of which I wanted!

I spent ages looking at them, and in the end bought a 'matched' pair which I had no idea where I was going to put in the apartment.

They are matched in that they are day and night. The day one has ducks at the bottom which represents happiness in marriage and fidelity, because a mandarin duck does not take another mate if it's mate dies. The fish on the night one represents wealth, the flowers, wisdom. They were a lot more than I had intended to spend, but they are hand painted, and I fell in love with them. I still have no idea where to put them.

I did manage to buy the decorative drawers, but ended up getting a much smaller set than I had originally thought, on account of spending so much on the vases.

Have a good week everyone. I'm not updating as frequently nor reading others blogs as much as I need a break from thinking about IF and treatments. I'm also really busy at work.

Here Comes the Flood...

2011-07-28T19:52:00.000+09:00

I realise I haven't updated for nearly a week. I've been super busy at work, and just haven't had the time. Also, I've felt really that I haven't had much to say.

We've had terrible weather here in Seoul. It is shocking. We've had 6 months of rain in 4 days apparently. There have been landslides and accidents and around 40 people have died. This is small, considering this is a city of 10 million people, and nothing compared to the deaths that occur yearly in other parts of the world during rainy season, but Seoul is a developed city, more technologically advanced and organised than London. If 40 people died because of flooding in London, people would be shocked. There was also a really sad incident about an hour away where a group of university students went to help clear up after flooding, and their cabin was buried in a landslide. Most of them died.

I managed to take these pictures from the bus on the way home this evening.

This is usually a park. The white triangles in the second picture are the roofs of shelters. It's crazy.

If you want to see more of the flooded river, have a look at this webcam. The bridge in it has a lower deck for buses, bikes and walkers. It's under 14 metres of water.

These are screen captures of a webcam, so the quality is awful, but you can see how high the river is. The building is a floating conference centre that was built for the G20 last year (though they weren't finished in time, because of bad weather!)

It stopped raining for most of the afternoon today, but it's started again now and it's forecast for more over the weekend.

*Sigh*

Try, Try Again.

2011-07-22T18:33:00.001+09:00

I had a slightly awkward conversation with husband the night before last. We're on a two month break in treatment before the FET in September, but I wasn't sure whether he wanted to 'try' for those two months. He does, or assumed that we would be, so I guess I'm on board as well.

Chances are slim, I know that, but it's still in the back of my head that it could work. I am now going to share far too much information, but it's important to understand the way I'm thinking and why I still have the tiniest smidgen of hope.

Between having my lap and dye, where I was told I couldn't conceive naturally, and the HSG a year later which showed my tubes are actually open, I was diagnosed and treated for chlamydia. This isn't a secret, and I have mentioned it before. I'm not really ashamed of it (much) as I know I wasn't (much of) a slut, just an idiot who didn't get regular check ups in her early twenties because 'it won't happen to me.' I don't know for sure when I got it, but as my husband wasn't an angel either before we got together, just another idiot who didn't get checked out, we have a non-self-blame agreement.

After I was diagnosed and treated, we still thought my tubes were closed, which is what we'd been told, and we didn't try anyway for about nine months. We used protection, because we were scared of another ectopic (despite what we'd been told) and I was in a new job and didn't want to risk any situation in which I might have to be off work.

Fast forward to March this year when I had my HSG and found out my tubes are actually open. Logic suggests to me that the active infection was causing my tubes to be blocked, and now it is gone my tubes are still scarred, and probably don't work properly, but are open.

I then had 1 month of trying naturally, 2 IUIs and one medicated cycle of timed intercourse. Then we moved on to IVF. Which means since treating the infection that was blocking my tubes until 2010, we have only tried to conceive using my fallopian tubes for four months. Sure, I had two eggs both times on the IUIs, and probably on the medicated cycle, but still...

Four months isn't that long to be trying, says the little voice in my head. There's still a chance, says the little voice in my head. I'm going to drive you crazy, says the little voice in my head.

My Fur Baby

2011-07-21T20:46:00.001+09:00

I have been inspired by Heather at Battlefish to write a blog post about my fur baby. I posted about him when we first adopted him, but I don't expect many of you have read about him. I have also become something of a cat photographer, so I want to show off my pictures.

Meet Patxi:

Aka: Patxito, Patxicat, Mr Mo, Mubsy

We adopted Patxi from the animal hospital near our house. We were originally going to call him Pinxto, which means 'tapas' in Basque, but when we got him and saw his markings (he's patchy!) we decided to call him Patxi, which means 'Frank' in Basque.

He's a former street cat, and we sometimes see his brothers/sisters/nephews/nieces around our neighbourhood. He, and they, are mostly white with a giant ginger streak down their backs. When we got him he had some scabs on his paws and legs, and it was in the middle of a bitterly cold winter. We think someone took him in to the vets because he'd got injured in the cold. Poor puss.

Also when we got him he had brown rings around his eyes, which we thought were part of his markings.

But he gets a lot of sleep gunk in his eyes, which is brown. The rings around his eyes in the picture are from that, as it had never been cleaned properly before we got him. If you see the first picture he doesn't have them any more. Over several weeks it gradually came off, and nowadays he lets me just remove the dried gunk with my finger (usually!)

He's not a lap cat, and never has been. He will tolerate being picked up for a short time, usually when we first get in, and we get purry cuddles, but he prefers to just come and sit next to us. He sleeps on the bed at night. If we pet him too much he's a biter, plus sometimes he'll give a nip or two affectionately.

He hates water, and shouts to wake the dead when he's washed (which I did earlier this evening). He gets washed about once every two months. He also has really thick fur. Here's a gross picture of one of our chairs after I gave him a good going over with the special de-hairing brush. Sorry, it's really gross.

I cleaned it immediately after taking this picture!

I realise from re-reading this that I've made him sound really unfriendly. He's actually super friendly, and comes running to the door when we come in. I spend a lot of time (not quite as much as googling IVF stats!) googling signs that he loves us, and all signs point to yes!

We love our Patxito!

Here Comes the Sun.

2011-07-18T09:49:00.000+09:00

I really feeling bullet points right now, so bullets it will be:

It has stopped raining! Thank you universe. I know the alternative, 30 degree C weather with high humidity, is going to p*ss me off within about 2 days (if it didn't already yesterday) but it's still better than it being wet and gross all the time.
I had so much energy over the weekend. I have been so used to being on some kind of stimming drug month after month. It's really good not to be taking anything.
I'm weaning myself back onto blogs again. I actually read an interesting post the other day with the valid point that having a baby isn't a race. Just because other people are pregnant, and it is something that I want, doesn't mean that I need to be racing to join them. Things happen at different times for different people. Still can't read about beta tests and pregnancy updates though.
I've been mildly obsessing about my 'wasted' embryos, which in my mind basically didn't have a chance because my cycle had been shortened so much, maybe by the trigger shot. Of course, there was no way of Dr K knowing this, and IVF is a diagnostic process as well as a treatment, so this is something to learn from. If we end up doing another fresh cycle, then we'll deal with that then.
Of course, we don't know that the shortened cycle doomed my embryos. IVF has only a 30% success rate per cycle.
I've started a 4 month training course at work which will keep me busy between now and the FET (in fact the end of it will overlap, but it'll be OK) I also have 3 weeks of vacation coming up next month, but as my husband does not, I'm going to do some overtime for two weeks. I wasn't sure until recently because I didn't know about the timing of everything. Now I'm just continually calculating how much extra money I'll earn and smiling. I'm thinking about going away for the week remaining, but it will be without my husband so I'm unsure as last time I did that I missed him terribly.
My husband has a new job. He really hates his current job, it doesn't suit him, so he's/I'm really happy. He was going through the application during the IVF and I made the comment that if only one of them could work out, it would be much better for us in the long run if it was the job that did. Of course, once he got the offer I felt like I'd doomed the cycle with my comment, but I'm not as superstitious as that really.
My cat is being super lazy in the heat and spending nearly all of his time sleeping.
We're moving! To the apartment upstairs! Easiest move ever. I looked around the neighbourhood a little, but the places I saw were as nice as the upstairs apartment and were the same price, so it makes sense to stay in the building with the same owner.

Rain, Rain Go Away...

2011-07-15T14:32:00.000+09:00

No IF news, except that I'm feeling super jealous of all pregnant women, so I'm avoiding a lot of blogs at the moment. I'm sorry if you're pregnant and I'm not keeping up with your news but it makes me feel sick inside right now.

It's been raining every day for three weeks. Not just little showers, but full on monsoon style rain. There have been a couple of typhoons which have missed the Korean peninsula, but we're getting the edge of them. It is tipping it down. The river has flooded the park that runs along the riverbank, and nothing ever seems to be dry.

I've been looking at flights for us to go back to the UK at Christmas. We were here last year, but as we have a little bit of money at the moment it would be nice to see our families. We might make a few day stopover on the way there. Maybe Hong Kong.

Beta Day... what's the point really?

2011-07-12T10:26:00.000+09:00

I went into the clinic after my morning class, and mentally psyched myself up for saying the words to Dr K. Saying it out loud makes it harder to deal with. But I managed. Things stand like this:

We have to wait 'til September for a FET. This is good for me as it benches me. Even though I know psychologically I need a break, I would have been very tempted to go for it immediately if the option was open to me. Dr K wants to wait the rest of this cycle, then the whole of the next one to check that my body is going back to normal.
The embryos were/are all 'good' quality.
It will be a natural FET.
Dr K agrees that trigger shots seem to shorten my cycle. This IVF cycle from start to finish was 21 days. My natural cycle is around 30 days (from what I remember of it!) That's why I'm extra happy about a natural FET.
If we end up having to do another fresh cycle, we'll worry about triggering then.
We didn't discuss progesterone, but I'll bring it up next time.
Had to pay for ICSI and cryopreservation today also

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be taking a break from blogging for a while. Maybe not 'til September, but at least for a few weeks. I'm not sure about reading and commenting. I want to as I want to be there for you all, but I'm not sure I can handle it at the moment.

It's Over 8dp3dt

2011-07-09T14:18:00.000+09:00

Definite AF like bleeding today plus cramping. Pretty sure it's all over.

I seem to have issues with early onset of AF when I'm triggered (as this happened with both IUIs and now this IVF.) Will be mentioning it to Dr K.

Not much else to say.

Friday 7dp3dt

2011-07-08T19:51:00.001+09:00

First off, thank you so much for your comments on yesterday's post. It was a really bad night, but thanks to you ladies and my work colleagues, who are funny, warm and generally just the nicest people, I got through the day without having a break down.

I'm not in the mood to compose a logically ordered post, so I'm going to bullet point the not very interesting round up.

TMI warning. By the end of yesterday the spotting had turned in to discharge from the progesterone gel I'm on. I looked it up and apparently it's pretty normal for the gel to build-up and then either come out on its own or need to be cleared manually (gross either way) I've basically had brown sludge coming out for the last day. It's really gross, but at least it's not still in there, right? Sorry about the visual.
I've had a headache all day. I ended up sleeping my afternoon away, but it's still here. I felt guilty (as today is one of my weekend days) until I remembered what my body has been through over the last few weeks, not even thinking about the IUI cycles before that. I deserve the break
I had one, normal sized glass of red wine with my dinner last night. I went back and forth on it but I had had such a stressful night/day before I gave in. But it was just one, I had it with food, and it helped me get to sleep easily (some times if I'm over tired I find it really difficult to sleep.) I don't think it can have had any affect on the cycle.
I broke and POAS this morning. Clearly it was negative otherwise this post would be very different. But it's really early still, it wasn't even FMU, and it was one of my crappy internet cheapies (which if this cycle is a failure I'm never ordering any more of.) The FR tests I ordered from the UK haven't showed yet, because I didn't dare order them until after the transfer. I'll test again when the FRs show up, though I might just use up my supplies of cheapies so I can feel I'm doing something.
My boobs hurt a lot less today, and I haven't had any cramping since before the bleed. I know those are symptoms of the progesterone gel, but it's not making me feel very confident about the cycle.
I have a big, painful lump about 2 inches across on my leg from where I fell over yesterday. Once the bruise comes out properly I'll take a picture for your viewing pleasure.

I'm feeling quite pessimistic about the cycle (which I think is my default position every cycle actually, my regular readers will probably agree.) which I know is a defence mechanism if/when it is a failure. Please don't tell me to remain positive. There is still hope there, but I need a healthy dose of pessimism to cushion the fall that might come soon.

6dp3dt Spotting

2011-07-07T13:19:00.000+09:00

I honestly don't think I could have had a worse start to today. I need to rewind to last night to begin this tale...

I was getting ready to go to bed when I notice I'm spotting. Kind of red/pink. Not a huge amount but enough to notice. At this point I guess I was 5 and a half dp3dt. Holy f*cking shit - it's too early for AF to have shown up, surely? I had mentally prepared myself that she might show on Saturday at the earliest, but on Wednesday night. No no no no no!

I tdl my husband, who of course says 'calm down, it could be nothing.' Cue hysterics on my part, which included the classic line 'just because you tell me to calm down doesn't mean I'm not feeling what I'm feeling' or some other slightly confused sentence.

TMI warning!

Nothing was 'flowing' particularly, nor what I would call bright red. In the back of my head I suddenly thought about implantation bleeding, it being 5dt3dt, but that only happens to like 30% of women or something. With nothing to be done, I went to bed.

A long night followed of not sleeping much, obsessively going to the bathroom to check if I was still spotting and deciding what colour said spotting was. I managed to avoid consulting Dr Internet, and just lay in bed obsessing. I woke my husband at 1am to cry hysterically. I was also going over how I could duck out of work to get to the clinic if I needed to (it was a big day today). This didn't help my mental state. To be honest with you it got lighter as the night went on, and by around 2.30am I managed to convince myself that it was likely an implantation bleed. I think I did this solely in order to finally fall asleep. I fell asleep.

And dreamed of positive hpts. It was my hpt, but for some reason it wasn't my baby, I was a surrogate or something. But I was pregnant. I woke up at 4.30, feeling warm and happy, and I did not want to move to break the spell of the dream.

But move I did because today was one of my 5.30 mornings, and was faced with more spotting. It was quite heavy, but that was partly because I had been lying down for a couple of hours. I showered and it seemed to have stopped, but when I did my progesterone gel there was brown blood on the applicator.

I went out of the bathroom with wet feet onto the wood floor, stepped over the cat, slipped and fell straight on my arse in the dark. I also hit my leg on the dining room table, and landed hard on my wrist. I screeched and started crying, again. My husband got up and gave me a hug, but all I could do then was put on my big girl hat and get ready for work. I had a 7am class I had to get to. There was no one to cover me. I then had 3 hours of training. I now have 3 more hours of teaching.

The spotting has reduced now, a lot, but I'm terrified of going to the bathrrom. I called my clinic first thing and the nurse said as it isn't a heavy bleed and also as I'm not in any pain I should just continue as normal until my beta day and keep doing my progesterone. She said it could be implanation, or it could be random spotting. There is no was to tell until the beta. They did say I could come in this morning if I wanted to, but as they probably wouldn't do anything and it had reduced a bit I didn't want to waste my time. I can always go in tomorrow or Saturday if things get worse.

I am really hating this 2WW. I knew it was going to be stressful and all consuming, but I wasn't prepared for this.

4dp3dt 2WW

2011-07-05T10:13:00.001+09:00

Last night I went down a dangerous path. I spent a good half an hour googling success rates, and then tracked down this website which was advertised in the UK about a year ago which apparently predicts the statistical success of a single IVF cycle based on all cycle success information gathered in the UK. It takes into account all cycles, including those which are cancelled before transfer.

I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway. It's a very dangerous website during the 2WW!

I feel less negative today, though the waiting is already becoming very difficult. One week to beta. Today hopefully at least one of the little dudes should be continuing to hatch and starting to attach. Please, please let this be happening.

2WW 3dp3dt

2011-07-04T08:18:00.000+09:00

It's hit me this morning... the negativity. I was doing my usual round of ALI blogs as I do most mornings and read someone's 26 week update. Then I had a bad FB moment with a friend's newborn pics (which I hid).

I'm having trouble sleeping properly, and am getting up to pee all the time, which isn't helping my mood. Also my work schedule has suddenly changed and two mornings a week I'm going to have to get up at 5.30! For the next six weeks. I am so angry about it but there is nothing I can do. But I'm really worried that being really tired is going to affect the cycle negatively. I'm going to try to take it really easy on the days when I don't have to get up early, but then I just have too much time to obsess about things.

My dh and I have been discussing whether we want to move apartments in August, when our contract ends on our apartment now. Not sure I can handle a move to be honest.

I've also been thinking about our 3 freezies. If it come to FET, I'm thinking about doing eSET (if my doc will agree). It's very common in Europe, and doesn't actually significantly decrease the chances of implantation. Also, it would mean we would get 3 more shots instead of probably 1 (though I know it's more complicated than that as it depends on whether the embies survive the thaw etc etc). It would also mean we wouldn't have to do another fresh cycle for a while.

I know I should be more positive, but planning for the next step is how I deal with the massive disappointments that come with IF. I also keep going back and forth on whether I think 30% means we're in with a chance on this cycle, or not. If there was a 30% chance of rain, I would take an umbrella, wouldn't I?

Hopefully the little dudes are hatching today. Please hang in there!

Hostages

2011-07-02T19:17:00.002+09:00

If you read my incredibly rambling, valium-induced post yesterday, you'll hopefully remember that we had surprise ICSI. We hadn't been told that there was a motility issue (in fact the doctor has said previously that dh's motility is in the upper range), and we hadn't paid for it either. Honestly I think they were trying to make as many embryos as possible as quickly as possible, which I am grateful for, but still: Surprise!

Anyway, I got a call from the clinic a couple hours after I came home yesterday saying that we were going to have to pay for it when I go in for the beta.

We were joking around about how actually we don't have to pay them because we're already got the embryos transferred, so we don't need anything from them anymore*! Then my husband says something to the effect of:

'Well, they have still got some of our children.'

I cracked up. Help, they're holding our children hostage in the freezer! We have to pay the ransom for our embryos if we ever want to see them again!

I love it.

In other non-silly news, today has been okay (isn't that a song used in Grey's Anatomy when Mere was like nearly exploded or something. Or fell in the sea and nearly drowned. I can't remember. I'm sure Patrick Dempsey made his 'stricken' face though.)

I've had cramping today that was worse than yesterday. Dr Internet-Fertility-Forum informs me that this is a combination of side effects from the progesterone gel (which is fine btw and better than an injection) and just my insides settling after the battering they've taken over the last few weeks. It's more concentrated on one side, the side where I had the ectopic, but thinking about it it's often that side that I get pain after a procedure.

I also made a cake, something which I haven't done in ages. I made a classic Victoria Sandwich (slightly-vanilla flavour sponge cake with cream and raspberry jam filling for non-Brits or non-WI obsessives) though I cheated a bit and used Delia Smith's All-In-One Sponge Recipe. (Non-Brits: Delia is the Julia Child or Martha Stewart of Britain - she also owns a football team, oddly).

I've been pretty positive today, though honestly I don't feel that different and I'm thinking more about cramping than the little dudes floating about. I did talk to them a little today about their older cousin's unique name, though when we talked about it we realised that all of the cousins have fairly unique names, and our child probably won't be any different.

I've also spent most of the last two days on the sofa watching The Rachel Zoe Project which I downloaded after catching a couple of episodes on TV. I've worked my way through most of the episodes now. I know it's trash, but I wanted something mindless to watch after the crazy week. I am now talking like a reality-TV person y'know? I have also been for a walk both days.

*I know, I know, we're on the wrong side of statistics here and a successful transfer does not a successful pregnancy make. We were joking around. I'm not counting embryos before they hatch.

Valium or The Most Boring Transfer Ever

2011-07-01T12:18:00.001+09:00

Transfer complete!

2 little dudes transferred, and another three in the freezer. I could not be happier with that number. I was so worried that we would have none 'in the bank' and if we're unsuccessful this time I'd have to go through the whole thing again.

The most defining feature of the transfer: boredom. After waiting half an hour to go in, they then gave me 2 valium 'for [my] comfort' and then told me to sleep. Uhhh... no, that's not going to happen. Once I'm awake in the morning I'm awake. And things like valium and sleeping tablets just don't work on me. I have to be really tired to sleep in the day. So instead I just lay there for what seemed like forever waiting while they did all of the egg collection ladies. The surgical schedule is egg collection first, then transfer. And of the transfer ladies.... guess who went last. Uh-huh - me. I would have preferred they told me to turn up an hour later and just let me go more or less straight in. I guess the only positive of the valium was that instead of getting pissed off about waiting I just got more and more bored. Also, there were no clocks (I hate no clocks).

Maybe valium doesn't relax me, it just makes me really bored.

The good news was that I didn't have to have a full bladder for the transfer. When they finally wheeled me in and got me in position, I had already been to the bathroom twice. And thank goodness, because they pressed really, really hard with the ultrasound thingy. Dr K told me to look at the screen, where because I didn't have my glasses on I could just see two faint little circles. But those were our embies. Then he did the 'look at the white thing' on the screen, which again I couldn't really see, but I assume that he knows the embies went in OK.

They did use 'some' ICSI because of some 'sluggish' motility and 'to save time.' I expect it's because of only having 7 eggs - they wanted to make as many embies as possible. As I've been writing this post they just called me and said I will have to pay when I go in for my beta test.

They told me about the freezies then too, and Dr K said 'for brothers and sisters' in the future. Let's hope so.

I was then wheeled back to wait for another hour. I complained to the nurse about being bored and she gave me the classical music earphones I'd had after the retrieval. I tried to visualise the future with my baby, but instead was really distracted by the poor woman in the next bed who was crying and in a lot of pain. I'm not going to post exactly why (which I overheard) but she has to stay in the hospital for a couple of days.

Post transfer instructions: no heating pads on my stomach. Continue with the progesterone gel. That's it. So I'm going on a major vodka bender for the next two nights, and then going bungee jumping. After that I'm going to kick-boxing and running a 10K. (In case you can't tell, I'm joking - if it's not funny, blame the valium.)

Back on the 12th for a blood test.

I feel like I should feel different. I know I'm happy, especially with having some freezies, but I just feel normal (valium?) rather than ecstatic or glowing or maternal or whatever. I am so grateful to get to this point, I really am, but as this blog is supposed to be an honest account of my journey my feeling relatively nothing is something I want to share.

But the two little dudes are in and hopefully finding a nice place to settle in. OK, I'm actually crying a little now, so maybe the valium is wearing off!

Nothing New...

2011-06-30T08:39:00.000+09:00

All is quiet here. I have no idea how many of my eggs have fertilised, nor whether the embryos are surviving. All I have is a piece of paper which says to come in tomorrow at 8am and to use my progesterone gel daily.

This is slightly maddening but also brings with it an element of calm. I have to trust other people are doing their jobs properly. It feels like the clinic is confident that we will have at least a couple of embies tomorrow for transfer, otherwise they wouldn't have us come in. (I am dreading the phone ringing today).

My husband and I have discussed how many embies we would like to put back if we are given the choice. As far as I know there aren't any rules in Korea about numbers. We thought two, so long as we have some more to freeze. If we only have three in the end, then I guess we'll do three. I am concerned about multiples above twins, but we'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Luckily the transfer falls on my weekend, so I don't have to worry about taking more time off.

That's all for today. Will update tomorrow after the transfer.

Seven!

2011-06-28T10:12:00.001+09:00

We got 7 eggs which was a few less than I would have liked but still good. I'm still really hoping for enough embies to do one fresh cycle and one FET but it depends on the quality of course and how many the doc recommends putting back.

When we got there at 7.40 there was no one there. No one waiting, no one behind the desk, and no signs in English. We hung around for about five minutes and then another couple showed up. After about another 5 minutes a nurse arrived. The other woman went in first, then me 5 minutes later. My doctor does egg retrieval/transfer between 8-9am so I think there were only 3 of us at the time.

I then changed into a very unflattering gown and hairnet/shower cap. Up in an elevator. Then waiting in a very nice room, where they hooked me up to an IV drip and it hit me that I was having surgery. I've only ever had surgery one other time which was when I had my ectopic. Luckily I didn't have to wait long. Into the room, up in the stirrups, saw the nurse putting the needle into my IV.

Next thing I know I was waking up. After a little while they put some headphones on me and I listened to classical music. The nurse told me the egg count, then, and sorry if TMI, pulled out all the gauze they had packed... uh... the surgical area with. As I hadn't been aware of the gauze, it came as quite a shock!

On the way back downstairs to get dressed I started seeing spots, then by the time I was at the lockers I was pretty sure I was about to faint. They put me in a break room on the sofa for about 20min.

After that went out, where my husband was waiting. Got given my progesterone gel instructions, and told to come back on Friday for transfer. They also said my husband's sample was 'all OK.' I'm not worried too much about fertilisation as my clinic does ICSI if needed ('which may incur an additional payment'), but I'm worried about abnormalities or the embryos arresting before Friday.

Went to the Coffee Bean across the street in the obstetrics hospital my clinic is part of and got a really sugary ice blended coffee thing with whipped cream. I don't usually drink them, I'm much more a straight coffee/latte girl, but I really felt like the sugar/ice combo. I also figured that as it was in the hospital if I fainted someone could help.

Headed home after a bit, got in bed for a couple of hours and took painkillers. Now in the living room watching TV. Hoping I'll be OK to go to work tomorrow.

Please send any fertilisation vibes you can spare to my eggs, c/o Cha Clinic, Yeoksam-dong, Seocho-gu, Seoul, South Korea.

An Injection Free Day!

2011-06-27T09:01:00.000+09:00

I sat and went through all the instructions from the clinic last night and it hit me: after my trigger last night I don't seem to have any more injections for a while! I don't want to speak to soon, because likely the universe will come and jab me in the belly with a cetrotide shot or something, but it seems to be the case. All I have today is an antibiotic tablet after dinner.

I triggered last night at 10pm, which works out at 34 hours before my retrieval. I'm a bit worried about early ovulation, but I had a cetrotide shot yesterday morning so it should be OK. I am also working on the assumption that my clinic knows what it's doing. My husband freaked me out by suggesting, after I'd done the shots, that one of them had to be done tonight instead of both yesterday.

This is just further proof that when I'm there my husband doesn't actually listen to what the doctor says. Luckily I had the info from the clinic, and the nurse had helpfully written the date on the ovidril boxes.

I have to completely fast tonight from midnight - no food or even water. We're to be at the clinic at 7.40am. The instruction we have is 'remove any makeup and nail polish and also do not wear any valuables or contact lens.' I've read about not wearing any perfume or deodorant or even washing hair on the day, so I'm going to be safe rather than sorry and at least wash my hair this morning rather than tomorrow. Trying to get my husband not to wear aftershave might be a bit more of a challenge (which I will of course win!)

Other than that there isn't much happening. I'm going to work as normal today, but taking tomorrow off (obviously). I have to make sure that I have everything ready for tomorrow's classes so that people can sub me easily.

I won't be updating until after the retrieval now. It really depends on how I'm feeling but I'll try and get the info up tomorrow.

Egg Retrieval Tuesday!

2011-06-26T11:28:00.000+09:00

We're nearly there. About 14 follies, though some of them are pretty small. The largest was at 1.9 today, others around 1.7. No one at the clinic this morning, so got through really fast. The doc spoke enough English to tell us that it was time to 'pick up' the eggs*. More cetrotide, then off to work.

Trigger (ovidril) tonight at 10pm, then antibiotics starting Monday. Egg retrieval 8am Tuesday morning.

Other great news - I have progesterone gel, so no PIO shots for me! Hurray!

On break at work so have to go.

*I'm not criticising the doctor's lack of English btw. There is no way that I could communicate any of this in Korean.

Day 10 Scan

2011-06-25T10:01:00.001+09:00

After my post yesterday I went out for dinner with a friend. Went to the bathroom around 9pm, and discovered I was spotting. I managed to get home before having a total freak out at my husband about whether I had already ovulated and we would have to cancel the cycle.

Luckily, I my appointment was scheduled for 7.45 so I didn't have the whole morning to dwell on it. While waiting for my ultrasound I was praying 'please don't let me have ovulated. Please measure something!' I was so happy when she started measuring. Not so happy that she only seemed to have measured 5 follicles. I know 5 is better than none, but I'm still disappointed.

According to Dr K I am responding slower than he thought I would. Why this is a surprise to him I don't know. I have responded slowly in every cycle we have done. My biggest follicle was at 1.7 this morning, with most being 1.4.

We also confirmed my blood type. Definitely O negative. Again, they didn't seem too concerned about it, so I'm not worried.

So I have to go back tomorrow morning. This is a bugger as I have class at 10am. So I'm going to be rushing from the clinic to class. At least it's a Sunday so there won't be any traffic. Luckily I have prepared my Sunday classes already in case I had my egg retrieval on Sunday and someone had to sub for me.

One more Gonal F shot today which was kind of cool because instead of giving me a new pen they drew the left over meds out of the pens with a syringe (I'm easily pleased!) Also bloods, and finally the cetrotide to prevent premature ovulation. I'm relieved to have had it after that scare last night, though it itches like crazy! I now have a huge welt on my stomach that looks like my reaction to mosquito bites.

Freak-out: Too Much Time

2011-06-24T16:53:00.000+09:00

Up until today I have been pretty glad to be doing this on my week off. I don't have to stand up for a large part of my day, I don't have to work 'til 10 at night and I don't have a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds to control.

But it's rainy season now, where it rains so hard that unless you really have to go out for some specific reason you don't go out. So I've been in the house since I got back from the clinic yesterday. This has been great for ICLW - I think for the first time I have actually been doing my six posts a day etc etc. I've also been trying to get through the George R R Martin Song of Fire and Ice novels. However I'm frustrated with the books at the moment as everything is dragged out for ages, seemingly for the sake of it. I think Arya has been wandering around looking for her mother for a book and a half. One reason I love Hemingway is because he gets to the point.

And I shall get to mine. I've had too much time with the internet today. This morning I was pretty calm and taking things as they come. Now I'm freaked out that I can't seem to find much information on the protocol I'm on and I'm worried that I'm not on any kind of suppression and maybe I will ovulate early and even if we do get to egg retrieval and we get embryos we will still get a BFN. It seems that while so many people get BFNs, when I get on various fertility boards looking for information I see lots of people have IVF BFNs for years.

Also, I had a really bad FB moment. There is a woman who I knew from high school who is due in a few weeks, which has been fine because it's been going on for a long time. The today - surprise! A couple who we didn't even know were expecting posted pictures of their brand new baby! Arrgh! I am sooo p-o'd today.

I don't really need to be talked down, just to vent. I'm kind of freaking out about my scan tomorrow morning. Thank goodness it's early in the morning so I don't have too much time to worry about it.

And if I'm like this now, what will I be like during the 2WW - assuming that I get that far?

2nd Scan Stimming Day 8

2011-06-23T12:38:00.003+09:00

'Everything is looking good so far' says Dr K.

In my new attitude of letting him worry about the details, to avoid madness on my part, I'm pretty happy with that assessment. The largest follicle was at 1.2, so I have another 2 days of the Gonal-F at 225. They only gave me a 300 iu pen for tomorrow, which I take as a sign we're nearly there. Still no suppression drugs.

I also had a chest x-ray which I was supposed to have on Monday but I wasn't sure, and had already been there 2 hours so I left. Today was much quieter so I didn't have to wait. The radiology room is the room where they do the HSG so I had some unpleasant flashbacks, but I was only in there 2 minutes so it didn't matter. They did protect my abdomen with a shield thing which was reassuring.

And now onto...

The Curious Case of My Blood Type.

Until last year, I hadn't given my blood type much thought. Then after my ectopic I was given an Anti-D Gamma globulin injection. If you've had one of these then you know it's for if you are Rh negative. If your partner is Rh positive, which most people are, then the baby is also Rh positive. If any of the baby's blood mixes with an Rh negative mother's blood, it creates anti-bodies in the mother that can attack any future pregnancy. The Anti-D injection cleans out any Rh positive blood cells from the mother's blood before any anti-bodies can develop.

This becomes a curious case in that according to my mother neither she nor my father are Rh negative. Therefore I couldn't be. When investigating it further, I discovered that the Basque people in northern Spain, where I was living at the time of the ectopic, have a really high percentage of Rh negative people compared to the rest of Europe. I mentally wrote off the mystery as it being standard medical practice in the region after an ectopic. I then forgot about it.

Until today. After Dr K gave me my instructions for the next couple of days, the nurse drew his attention to something in my paperwork. My apparent Rh negative status. I then remembered about the Anti-D I'd had after my ectopic, and they seemed relieved. I wasn't though. I know that being Rh negative can affect a baby (my younger bro-in-law was born jaundiced because my MIL is Rh negative) but it hadn't occurred to me about the IVF.

I then said about neither of my parents being Rh negative (which I'm fairly sure is their ignorance of it, rather than a fact. Or I'm adopted, which I don't think likely either) and he said they would do a double check of my blood type and also check for any anti bodies in my blood from the ectopic. He said it wouldn't be a problem.

My very quick research into this has been reassuring, and when the time comes I know I'll get the proper care if I have a Rh positive baby. I'm just upset to have another spanner in the reproductive works, and one more thing to worry about when I finally do get pregnant.

Happy June ICLW

2011-06-21T12:49:00.000+09:00

I saw this on a fellow bloggers ICLW greeting last month and thought I would do it this time around. Enjoy!

A) Age when you started TTC: Me 27, Him 26

B) Baby Dancing or Sex: What's that? Sex to make a baby? That's crazy!

C) Children wanted: Three, but at the moment we're going to have one (hopefully!) and see how it goes.

D) Dog/Cat/Fill in Children: Cat. Lazy, spoiled, agoraphobic Patxi

E) Essential oils/ Vitamins/ Snail Oils: Nope - I think I have some Costco multivitamins somewhere but I always forget to take them.

F) Fertility meds I've taken: Clomid, Follistim, Gonal-F, IVF-C (trigger shot)

G) Gain: At the moment, 0.5kg

H) HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Unfortunately yes. Tubes open but they don't actually work properly because of adhesions.

I) Infertile Pet Peeves: The usual I'm sure.

J) Job title: Teacher

K) Kids name you're afraid will be taken by the time you have kids: I don't think my names will be taken, and if they are there are plenty more that I like!

L) Length of time TTC: 3 years 4 months

M) Miscarriages: No... does an ectopic count?

N) Number of times you've switched OB/GYN's, RE's: Once, but only because of an international move.

O) Ovarian quality: Looking good at the beginning of treatment. Probably knackered now after 4 months of continual stimulation.

P) POAS or wait for AF: POAS unfortunately. It's not good for my mental health. I'm thinking of throwing away my cheapies this cycle and just wait for the blood test. Easier said than done though.

Q) Quote from a~~n obnoxious~~ fertile: "I don't believe in too much medical intervention in pregnancy" Neither did I til I was in emergency surgery with an ectopic pregnancy. Now I'm all 'bring it on!'

S) Sperm: Rockstar sperm. 99% motility after washing in both IUIs.

T) Time tried naturally: March 2008 - February 2010

U) Uterus: So far so good (hopefully no other problems beyond my crappy tubes).

V) Vagina: I'm a bit sick of getting dildo-cams and speculums shoved up it, truth be told.

W) What baby stuff do you have already: A copy of What to Expect that I bought in the hope that getting a book about pregnancy will get me pregnant - If you build it, they will come. Also my buggy (stroller) window shopping habit.

X) X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?: Quite a few. I'm fairly open about it all because I think that it's nothing to be ashamed of. And hey, if my story makes a 23 year old get an STI check, then I've done something good in the world. People do say stupid things sometimes but generally speaking they are pretty good about it and just tell me IVF success stories.

Y) Yearly Exam. No, because we only do them every 3 years in the UK. Am due a cervical smear test though. Maybe if this cycle is a BFN I'l get on that.

Z) Zits: Yes, despite my Clini.que habit. Genetic I'm afraid.

Stimming Day 5... First Scan

2011-06-20T13:24:00.001+09:00

I woke up late this morning - it's so hot that I keep waking up in the night, then find it difficult to get up in the morning. I then sat and read blogs for about 30 minutes. Heather at Battlefish has lost her mother suddenly to a heart attack yesterday and it really threw me. As a result I completely mistimed getting to the clinic so I had to rush. It's nearly 30 degrees C here, even at 9.30 in the morning, so by the time I got there I was gross and sweaty.

I needn't have bothered rushing. It being Monday it was mega-busy and I had to wait at every turn. I forgot to mention that this is a holiday week at work so I don't have class, otherwise I would have got really stressed.

Ultrasound: she didn't really measure very many, which got me in a bit of a panic, but the ones she did measure were all around 0.8 and 0.9 so at least so far they are growing evenly. Loooong wait to see Dr K. He told me that the follies were 'just starting growing.' I asked him how many we are shooting for and he said 10, but he gave no indication how many I had this morning. Too early to tell I guess. I think I like this low level of information approach, as I otherwise would have too much to obsess over. Ignorance, while not bliss, does seem to give me a level of calm.

As I said, I was in a bit of a panic after the lack of measuring at the ultrasound, and was mentally preparing myself for the worst case scenario, which at the moment is the cycle being cancelled. Dr K is really good at being reassuring though.

Then something that I didn't expect that was equally reassuring. Because the egg retrieval is done under a general anaesthetic, I had to have another load of tests this morning to make sure it would be alright I assume. Which... guess what... I had to wait ages to have. Blood, urine, EKG. The blood was the worst part, as when I sat down she looked at my paper and then started picking out the little tubes. And just kept on picking them out. Seven in total which I know isn't really a lot but as I was expecting just one or two watching her just getting more and more of them was alarming.

Also, did I mention I didn't eat breakfast this morning?

I then sat for 5 minutes after the blood, feeling a bit light-headed, had the EKG, and then got my Gonal-F pen. The nurse did my jab today in the injection room (it was nearly 12 by then, which is 2 hours after I'm supposed to do them each day, though apparently it doesn't matter too much if one or two of them are at the wrong time).

I'm still only on 225 of Gonal F for 3 days (including today) No suppression drugs yet. In on Thursday for another scan.

So, while my follicles may or may not be developing enough, things are still moving ahead. I'm telling myself that they wouldn't bother to do the pre-anaesthesia checks if things were looking disastrous.

If you get a moment, please go and see Heather and show some support at this difficult time.

Thoughts on the pen...

2011-06-19T11:17:00.004+09:00

Just a short update.

My injection this morning really stung! The others have been fine, yesterdays was really easy, but today was really difficult and stingy. I don't use ice, as the needle itself isn't that bad, but it was difficult to get the needle in this morning and then it was super-stingy the whole time.

I think I prefer the pen to the needles, but only just. At the moment it's pretty much six of one half dozen of the other. It's still sticking a needle in my belly at the end of the day!

Scan tomorrow morning at 10am. Fingers crossed for lots of follicles.

Short Protocol

2011-06-16T21:04:00.005+09:00

I posted yesterday about my sudden entry onto an IVF cycle, and I was pretty confused at the time (and also at work) so I wasn't much with the details.

So the details are as follows:

I'm on 4 days of Gonal-F 225, back in on Monday for a scan. As I mentioned in my last post I'm not on any down-regging drugs, but they might be added later depending on my response. I initially was very confused, but after posting on the BC IVF forum it seems I am not the only one doing this kind of protocol. Which is a relief, because being in a different country can be really hard when things are done slightly differently and it's difficult to find people going through the same thing in the same language.

So why the short protocol? I'm 31, as far as I know my hormone levels are 'normal,' if I was in the UK I think I would be on a long protocol.

To be honest I think it might be a Korea thing. Korea is all about 'balli-balli,' which means 'quickly-quickly.' I think that they do short protocols because they don't take so long and if you don't give a patient something they want right now, they might go elsewhere. In this town, it's possible you could demand your records on day 2 from one clinic, call another one and get an appointment and treatment at another on the same day. It's not that the clinics aren't busy, but rather they just manage to fit you in.

Also, given the number of patients my clinic sees, I suspect the short protocol is easier to manage if the patient qualifies. It's a shorter period of time to keep an eye on things, and less complicated for the patients to keep track of.

A couple of you commented about me not really having time to process the failed IUI. The thing is, I could have asked to delay for a month if I wanted to but I didn't. If I had, I know that in a weeks time I would have been wishing that I had got on with it. I like to be moving forward.

IVF 1... Go!

2011-06-16T13:04:00.004+09:00

As in now. As in this morning. As in I've already had the first stimm injection and I am now sitting in my office with my head reeling by how quickly things have moved.

After the last IUI the nurse told me to come in on day 2 of my cycle if things didn't work out. So I called yesterday after AF started yesterday and they managed to squeeze me in for this morning. I thought perhaps it might be to check for a chemical pregnancy, but I did also wonder if it was partly to start a short-protocol IVF. My husband and I discussed it last night, but I still can't believe it is happening.

Dr K was very compassionate and asked what I wanted to do. I said that I didn't think that my fallopian tubes really work, despite them being open, and he agreed. So, onto IVF. He sent me off for a ultrasound to check all my follicles were the same size (or something).

When I came back he had an English language info pack ready on the desk, and said we were going to get started with stimms today. Off for a blood test, picked up my Gonal-F pen from the pharmacy, was talked through the consent forms, and then shown how to use the pen and given my first shot.

I guess I'm on a variation of the short protocol. I tried to look it up quickly on the way to work but didn't have time. I asked if I was going to be taking anything to down-reg (or whatever) at the same time as stimms but he said it depends on how I react to the drugs. I'm on 225 per day, which is 3 times stronger than I was on for the last IUI. Egg retrieval tentatively set for next weekend (they only confirm 2 days before.)

Sorry this post is a bit rambly. I'm still in a bit of shock and also I'm at work. I'll post in more detail this evening when I get home.

IUI 2 is a BFN. AF just showed.

2011-06-15T11:10:00.002+09:00

I also used my one remaining expensive FR hpt to double, double check. BFN.

Like Crack...

2011-06-14T20:50:00.007+09:00

I was just reviewing the posts for this 2WW and man, am I being repetitive! I feel down, I don't have faith in the IUI working, yadda yadda yadda. Don't bother commenting about being allowed to feel however I want during a 2WW, I know that, but I don't need to subject you all to my constant whining. (However this is not a promise that I won't moan again in the future, just not for the rest of this 2WW) It's looking like a failed cycle at this point (another BFN today) so it's time to adjust and move on.

edited to add - it looks like AF has just shown up this morning after I wrote this post, again 10 days post IUI, so there you go.

Time to change the record.

At the weekend I did something bad. Something really, really bad. No, I didn't drink a bottle of vodka or kick a puppy. Or kick a puppy while drinking a bottle of vodka. Instead it was so bad I'm not sure I can forgive myself.

Things are ticking along with our insurance payment for the first IUI, and apparently the first claim has been 'paid,' though I've yet to see the money in my account (the paperwork goes to the UK, they process it slooowly, then convert the claim amount into GBP, then they should be paying it into my UK bank account by transfer. If a GBP cheque shows up here in Korea I will be very angry!)*

Anyway, we're likely to see some of the money for testing and the first IUI back soon. This has made me positive about things as I now believe that we will actually be able to afford the fairly inevitable IVF cycle on the horizon.**

So what was it I did? On Saturday morning I dragged by husband up the the 8th floor of the Lotte Department Store to look at... buggies (strollers, for those of you who don't speak British)

Buggies are like crack for me at the moment. Seriously. Despite my belief in the failure of this particular cycle, fantasy shopping for buggies is making me feel better. I guess it's like the 'One day...' dreaming my husband does with Ferraris. I know that the chances of me one day getting a buggy are much higher than him getting a Ferrari.

Part of it for me is forward planning. Can we afford this? How much money do we have to save to get what we want? The good news is that we can afford a buggy. The other news, which had me screeching and shocking the sales woman at this weird foreigner who doesn't appear to be pregnant.

They have the buggy I want. Exactly the model.

If you live in your home country, this won't come as a surprise. But living out here it can be difficult to get the international brands that you want. (Brits - there is no Marmite here.) The bad news is the price. It is waaaay more expensive than it would be in the UK or US.

Time to start saving I guess...

*I know that I'm very, very lucky to have any kind of insurance cover for treatment so shouldn't be complaining about speed, but as I stupidly sent all the original receipts in the international mail without the mail-tracking option I was getting worried that they'd been lost.

**As above, I know I'm very lucky to be able to afford IVF relatively easily, but you should know that we moved to Korea because the IVF was cheap. If it had been through the roof expensive we would be living elsewhere right now. We are sacrificing living anywhere near our families for this.

No Mans Land

2011-06-13T08:42:00.003+09:00

Here's something I haven't shared about this cycle - I've been testing every day. It started with testing for whether those HCG shots had disappeared. Then I entered the no-mans land between the trigger and the time when it's 'the right time' to test. I think I'm still in that no-mans land (day 9 post-IUI) but I'm just reaching the border.

I didn't plan to test every day (and I really hope I won't be doing it next time) but I just kind of drifted into it.

So far, except for the post-trigger tests, it all BFN, BFN, BFN. Of course. Of course. It's too early to test. It's too early to test. (Just, I can't help the sneaky voice that's telling me that some people get positives this early.)

I also had an incredibly frustrating conversation with my husband yesterday. I tried to have the 'what next' conversation. He didn't want to have it yet. He wants to wait and see about this cycle. But that's not my personality. I have to have the next step in place. It's how I deal with things. I can handle this cycle being negative, as long as I know where we're going next. It's a joke in my family that I always have some plan or scheme going on. I can't just exist, and that's the case with this as well.

He just kept saying 'I don't know' and 'let's wait and see,' which was really annoying. I told him I didn't need to know right then, but I wanted him to think about it. The way that thing happen here you have to decide more of less immediately. If it's CD1 you have to get your appointment for CD2, and the next thing you know you're learning how to inject yourself. I need to know his opinion so I can make a decision on the spot, as he can never get to appointments with me.

As you may be able to tell I'm not feeling overly confident about this cycle.

D7pIUI Pointless Grumbling

2011-06-11T08:22:00.006+09:00

Some things to grumble about:

Grumble 1: My poor cat, as you can see, is having to wear a cone :-( I discovered a patch of irritated skin on his belly, took him to the vet who shaved the area, gave me some medication for him, and told me he had to wear a cone. He's not loving it, and is being really pathetic.

Grumble 2: I trust my doctor that he has chosen a course of action that has created the best possible conditions/chances to make a baby (assuming that my fallopian tubes are working properly) but I am really hating the after effects of the HCG shots. Every time I have a symptom, and I think 'hmm, maybe...' I have to remind myself that while there isn't enough HCG in my body to show on an hpt, the effects are still showing in my body.

Non-grumble: I bought the ice-cream maker! It's so tiny and cute and I can't wait to try it out.

2WW Day 5

2011-06-09T07:51:00.005+09:00

Morning all! Just a quick run down as there isn't much to report right now.

I've been POAS to test for the HCG shots disappearing (and also just to see the two lines I confess.) Yesterday I had a very faint line from my Tuesday HCG shot. Today nothing, so I think I'm clear from now on out.
I've had some very mild cramping on the left side, but I'm working hard to tell myself it's probably nothing.
I'm absolutely shattered as I haven't been sleeping well. The weather is hot suddenly, and I think the HCG shots are interfering with my sleep. Also the cat, who makes it his duty to sleep in any available space on the bed, even if that means I get pushed off. Yes, our cat is incredibly spoiled.
It's pseudo-Friday, so I'm really looking forward to my weekend. Also, as my husband has just been paid I get to go to Costco. I love Costco. Last time I went they had these teeny ice-cream makers which I didn't buy, but if they have them again I might pick one up.
Yesterday I did some market research (in English). They specifically wanted British people as they were revamping a UK website for a Korean company, but for some reason couldn't go to London for the focus groups. 1 1/2 hours = 200 dollars! Nice.
I web-chatted with my insurance company last night (I love that I don't have to call internationally) to check whether they received my claim for the first IUI as it wasn't showing up on the website. They have received it but haven't started processing it. Also I can just send my injectable cycle IUI receipts without having to fill in a new form, as technically it is the same issue that hasn't been resolved.
Unfortunately this morning I have to go waaaay across town this morning to take some documents to our head office. They need them by 9.30am so I have to get moving!

Lack of Faith

2011-06-07T08:38:00.003+09:00

First of all, thanks everyone for your words of support on my last, incredibly long post.

I'm on 2WW day 3. I have to go and have my second HCG shot this morning (which I could have done myself at home but I chickened out)

I'm not in a good place this morning. I don't mean that I feel sad or down, actually I don't, but I don't have any faith that this IUI will have worked, despite everything. I don't know if this is a subconscious defense mechanism so if/when it fails I won't feel too bad, or if I'm just being realistic. Or perhaps I'm hoping if I say 'It's not going to work' enough times the universe will conspire to make it work.

IUI 2 Complete... Almost.

2011-06-04T12:49:00.005+09:00

I never want to have to visit my clinic on a Saturday again! Previously if I had to go in on a Saturday I go at 7.30am to avoid the crowds. However there was no way to do that today as the sperm washing takes 2 hours, so from the time my husband called me to say he was done, it meant I couldn't go in until 10.15. Which I knew would be slap-bang in the middle of the busiest period. To get to the sonogram reception you have to walk past the doctor's consultation rooms. There were about 60 people waiting - sitting, standing, with little kids, on the phone, sitting silently. There are four or five doctors on that floor, so not everyone was waiting for my doctor, but it was still absolutely crazy.

Surprisingly I didn't have to wait long for the sonogram. I've clearly been at this too long (all of 3 months) because I could tell that I had ovulated as the black blobs on my ovaries were much smaller and she didn't measure anything. Lining at 1cm! I said 'yay!' and the tech laughed which was nice.

Then the waiting... and waiting... and waiting... I honestly don't mind waiting when I know how long I will have to wait. But when you just sit there and sit there with no information... I got really frustrated because people who had been in sonogram after me went into see the doctor before me. Logically I knew the doctor was trying to clear as many 'quick' patients as he could before doing a procedure, but I was still irritated. One couple were just walking up the stairs when they were called, they hadn't even put their card in the door slot to show they were there, and they were called. And I was just sitting there waiting.

I was also irritated by one of the other couples waiting, or rather by the man of the couple. He kept trying to get his wife to smile by pushing up the sides of her mouth. She kept pushing him off and telling him to stop it. Which he would... for about 20 seconds then he would try again. It really pissed me off as the poor woman clearly just wanted to sit and wait quietly and wonder whether she would ever have a baby and he wasn't allowing her that.

When I finally went into the doctor it was nearly 11am. He looked exhausted, told me I had ovulated, then told me I had to wait for a bed to be ready to have the IUI. More waiting, then they came and asked me for my husband's ID card.

They'd mentioned last time that they needed copies of our Korean ID cards and they had copied mine no problem. I made a point of telling my husband to take his in this morning, which is not a big deal as by law in Korea you have to carry it all the time. He told me that they had taken it away, which he assumed was for copying, then given it back. Clearly they hadn't copied it.

I then got really pissed off, as I irrationally thought they might not do the IUI. What really bugged me was he had been there that morning and they hadn't taken a copy. So I started telling the nurse forcefully that he had brought it and it wasn't my fault. I wasn't yelling but I wasn't too polite either. This is just as Dr K came out of his office.

The nurse took my less than polite tone very well - hopefully she knows how many hormones they have filled me with and excused it. She just smiled and ushered me off to the procedure room, and told me to bring it next time.

The IUI was about as comfortable as an IUI can be, I suppose. I can't think of anyone would every describe an IUI as comfortable. It only hurt a little, and was done very quickly. Dr K said 'I hope this time we make it.' He's also prescribed two HCG shots to aid implantation. One today, one Tuesday.

After the procedure I lay there and cried. I know it's all hormones, but the waiting around got me really het up. I also really, really want this to work, and I know that the odds still suck. Also, because of the HCG shots I will have all kinds of symptoms that could be absolutely nothing.

However, focussing on the negative isn't going to do me any good today, so here are the positives: I had at least 2 follicles at 1.5 and 1.9 on Thursday. I've ovulated. Lining at 1cm. After sperm washing my husbands motility was 99%. I've got 2 HCG shots to aid implantation.

2WW begins.

All Set for Saturday

2011-06-02T12:03:00.002+09:00

We are all set for the IUI Saturday morning. Follies at 1.9 and 1.5, today the lining is at 8mm so I'm hoping that it'll thicken a bit more by Saturday.

I had the double pleasure of getting both a belly and butt injection today. I was a bit surpirsed to be getting follitropin at the same time as the trigger. If I'm being triggered, why make the follies bigger? But then I'm not a reproductive specialist who sees hundreds of women a week, so what do I know.

Speaking of hundreds of women, the clinic was super busy this morning. I saw loads of other foreigners there. I often see one, but today I counted five other foreign women there at the same time as me. I also had to wait at every turn. Perhaps it is now the season for fertility treatment.

I'm hoping that the discomfort I'm feeling will have passed once I ovulate. I'm also considering whether to test for the trigger leaving my system, but I haven't decided whether I can take the stress or not. I've come to terms with the fact that the early symptoms I had last IUI were probably just the effects of the trigger, so I'm hoping to wait to test until at least day 10 post IUI.

Think you're superstitious?

2011-05-31T12:31:00.006+09:00

On the IF front, I have two more days of injectables (taking the total up to 10) and back on Thursday for another scan. I had about five follicles that they measured (4 or 5, I've forgotten.) The lead follie was at 1.4cm. Lining at 7.2mm. Hopefully it'll be trigger Thursday, IUI on Saturday.

I noticed something very interesting today at the clinic. I have long known that Koreans are really superstitious about the number 4. In Chinese, the word 'four' sounds similar to the word 'to die,' and one set of numbers that Koreans use (there are two, how's that for complicated?) is based on the Chinese. The upshot of this is that 4 is considered unlucky. I have had a student tell me that he will not board an aeroplane at 4 o'clock, and it is quite common for buildings, especially hospitals, not to have a fourth floor. It either goes 1-2-3-5, or 1-2-3-F-5. That 'F' makes all the difference - it doesn't matter that logically floor 5 or F is actually floor 4. It's displaying the number itself that makes it unlucky.

Today I was waiting for my ultrasound when I noticed that the cubicle numbers went 1-2-3-5-6. I had always just assumed that there were 6 cubicles, but today I happened to be sitting between 3 and 5. I couldn't help smiling as I realised. It makes perfect sense. Women undergoing treatment for infertility and recurrent loss are likely to be worried about things going wrong, so why tempt fate by having a number 4 ultrasound room? Women here would just refuse to use it, and probably everyone, including the doctors, would be paranoid about it. Better safe than sorry!

3 Minute Update

2011-05-30T19:37:00.003+09:00

I don't really have much to report, but I do like to try to update fairly regulary. Tomorrow I'm back to the clinic in the morning for an ultrasound. I've been spinning various scenarios over the past few days, like I have too many follicles, and he converts to an IVF cycle, or cancels the cycle. Or I go in and I've already ovulated and the whole thing was a waste of time. Or I'll go in, find out I have to wait a few more days, and I will be triggered probably Wednesday.

I'm feeling really uncomfortable today, and am seriously contemplating going to class in half an hour with my trousers undone under my top. I'm definitely feeling it today. My last injection was this morning, so hopefully it will be better by the end of the week. Either that or I'll have to start wearing different clothes to work.

I have also been bad and been looking at Bug.aboo buggies again, but I gave myself a time limit so as not to drive myself into despair. I have chosen the one I want but can't afford (The Bee, btw) I no longer believe that I will jinx anything by looking. In fact, I am in a very optimistic place the last couple of days (I think the 'more than five' follies have done it, lets hope they stick around). Even if this IUI doesn't work, we'll be moving to IVF hopefully over the summer. The chances there are much higher.

Gah! That was more like a 5 minute update. I need to get ready for class now.

More than five...

2011-05-27T16:34:00.005+09:00

CD7 after 4 days of follitropin injections.

Good news and annoying news at my appointment today.

The good news is that I have 'more than five' follicles at an early stage. As my doctor says it's the size not the number that is important, but considering on CD9 of my last Clomid cycle the tech had to press really hard on my belly to even find one follicle I'm pretty happy with this. I know it's early because the tech didn't measure any of them.

Lining at 6mm, which again I'm pretty happy with.

The annoying news is that I have to do four more days of injections. I hadn't really researched the injectables, and in my ignorance I thought I was done with them this cycle. Doing the injections themselves hasn't been a problem, but for some reason having four more days this cycle really annoyed me. I already feel uncomfortable and a little bloated, and I'm not looking forward to it getting worse. Also, for about five hours after each injection I feel kind of sick and have no appetite. Plus headaches. Yesterday I felt like I was hungover all day.

So while I had a lot of positive news today, I felt like crying after. Also, my husband is working really long hours at the moment, and I'm not seeing him enough. I guess I'm feeling like I'm doing this alone at the moment.

Back again on Tuesday morning.

Belated ICLW

2011-05-25T10:40:00.006+09:00

I've finally got my internet reconnected! In the end all I had to do was call the company who have an English language helpline, they sent me a new password, but I didn't get around to it until this morning.

In IF news I did my third injection for IUI2 this morning. It was fine, easier that yesterday. I'm glad tomorrow is the last one for the time being though. Hopefully I won't get a chance to get used to injecting myself. The follitropin is making me more short tempered though. Dealing with the kids in class is really hard work.

I also finally got around to filling in and sending off my insurance forms. We have a limit on how much we can claim, and I was half thinking of 'saving' the money in case we head into IVF territory. In the end though, we decided to claim it back as it was adding up quickly, even if each individual thing didn't seem too much. Total so far.

IUI#2

2011-05-23T12:20:00.004+09:00

We are all systems go for IUI#2 with follitropin. I'm doing four days of injectables, rather than five as I expected. The doc says it's because he thinks I'll respond well, but I suspect it might be because he had 'workshop' marked on his calender for Saturday, which here in Korea means going on retreat with the company so I guess he's not in on Saturday. Scan on Friday.

The clinic was mega-busy this morning (they don't open on Sunday, so everything happens on Monday instead.) but I went in more or less on time. The longest wait was for the injection lesson. The English speaking nurse was really nice and did not make me feel stressed about it at all.

While I was waiting for my number to come up I psyched myself up by reminding myself that I was always a scab picker as a child (tmi - sorry), and that I once removed my own stitches at home with nail scissors and iodine. (They were supposed to dissolve but didn't completely and I couldn't be bothered to go to the doctors to have them out so I did it myself.) If I could do that I could give myself a little injection.

Which I did - first time. The nurse said that no-one does it the first time but I suspect she says that to everyone. I think it helped that I'd read up on it beforehand so I knew what to expect.

What really shocked me was the difference in cost. The clomid had cost about $6 for five days, the follitropin is close to $80!

One injection down, three to go! I've had to put them in the fridge at work (in a brown paper bag) so I just have to hope I don't forget them when I go home at 10pm. I have put a post-it with 'FRIDGE!' written on it on my computer. Otherwise I will be coming in very early tomorrow to do my injection in the office bathroom.

ICLW Apologies

2011-05-21T13:41:00.001+09:00

Well, it's that time of the month again. However, this weekend is the weekend my internet connection has decided to stop working. I can't get it fixed til next week. I have email access on my phone but I can't blog!

Pseudo-Friday Randomness

2011-05-19T19:46:00.004+09:00

I work a weird schedule where my week starts on Sunday, but also means that Thursday is my Friday (yay!) So for me today is Friday and I've finished work for the week.

Not too much happening IF wise, so I thought I would do a pseudo Friday roundup of randomness.

1. Pre-AF spotting finally started today (CD31) so tomorrow I'm going to book an appointment for Monday to start our injectable IUI cycle. Part of me hopes they won't let me do the injections myself, part of me doesn't want to go to the clinic every day.

2. I walked about a third of the way home from work this evening up and down the hills of Seocho-gu (Seoul is a really hilly city in places). I walked about 2km as the crow flies, but feels further as you go up and down. It was a really nice day though and I saw some things that I had forgotten about Korea having lived here so long:

3. There are so many yellow mini-buses around at six thirty in Seoul traffic, ferrying school children from the ages of 6-18 from one after-school class to another. I was waiting at a crossing and saw 5 go past in less than a minute.

4. There was a farmers market in the car park outside the Express Bus Terminal. Those of you living in the states may not find this unusual, but it really is.

5. I saw an old car which had plastic instead of a window. Again, this might not sound unusual to anyone outside of Korea but for here that's really, really weird. Cars are the number one status symbol here and very few people have cars more than five years old.

6. I stocked up on mosquito repelling products. Mosquito season is just around the corner, so I bought body spray, room spray, a plug-in repellent device, and the little cakes that go in it. I was very pleased with myself to remember, as usually I only get around to it once I have been bitten a few times. Korean mosquitos do not agree with me. The number one brand of mosquito repellent is called 'Off!' and the room spray is called 'Off Killer!'

Waiting for the Witch

2011-05-17T09:26:00.003+09:00

The title says it all. I've had another BFN yesterday, so now I'm just waiting for the witch to show up so we can get started on our injectable IUI cycle.

While I may not be happy about the success rates of IUIs, I know logically that it helps the doctor get a feeling for how my body responds to certain drugs, which will all help if we head into IVF territory. I'm a bit worried about the injections (I don't hate hate them, but I'd rather not have them) but feeling OK.

The Worst Version of Myself

2011-05-16T08:51:00.004+09:00

In the Nora Ephron move You've Got Mail there is an excellent line about becoming 'the worst possible version of yourself,' and I feel that's how I was yesterday. I know my feeling were legitimate and I'm not taking back anything I said, but I do feel bad that I made my friend Chinadoll feel guilty.

I took a moment that should have been purely joyful for her and made it about me - I feel terrible about that.

I think that yesterday was my worst day so far on this journey. What makes me feel worse is knowing that I still have a long road to go. I got another BFN this morning at dpo9-11 (I don't know), so I'll be heading into an injectable IUI cycle later this week I guess.

I may take a little break from the blogs for a while. I'm not sure yet but if you don't 'see' me around, that's why.

Dark Day

2011-05-15T18:22:00.004+09:00

If you want something cheerful, don't read this post. Also if you don't like swearing, don't read this post.

You know, I don't want anyone to feel as though I am criticising them or the way they have announced pregnancies over the last week or so. If I didn't want to read pregnancy announcements, I wouldn't read blogs about people going through fertility treatments. Nor do I begrudge anyone their pregnancy and I certainly would never wish anyone had had negative results. And I know I would announce a BFP in the same way, so I have no leg to stand on.

But.. well.. I'm so fucking jealous right now. Like livid, green jealousy. Like I don't want to read the 15 comments saying 'congratulations' and 'what a great pee stick picture.' I make those comments myself, and mean them, but today...

The last week has been a great week for IVF BFPs. It seems everyone I have been following has been successful. Yesterday I was so excited to see Chinadoll's positive results as I consider her a friend and want the best for all of my friends.

This positive feeling lasted for about thirty minutes until I told my husband the news (as Chinadoll is moving to my city soon, I keep him up to date). He then made a comment about how we 'parent' our cat. We had always talked about that in parenting I would be the bad cop, and he the good, but with our cat it's the other way around as I spoil the cat rotten whereas he is much tougher. He said 'It's just weird how things don't go as we planned.'

Under-fucking statement of the century.

This sent me off crying, of course, and then I was sobbing.

The thing is, I'm feeling left behind. We all feel this (I know, I know) with our 'fertile' friends, but now I'm being outstripped by fellow infertiles as well (I know lots of people feel this as well).

I've been having mild cramps the past few days, and hoping against hope that it's implantation, despite hpt results to the contrary. After that final positive from the IVF ladies yesterday, I just feel like such a fucking muppet, putting my hopes into a clomid cycle of timed intercourse when I don't even know if my fallopian tubes even work.

I know everyone reading this will have felt as I do at some point, but you know what? I'm in it right now. Never have a felt my blog title is so true. I am so fucking far away from what I want I can't even see if its ever going to happen.

2WW Frustration

2011-05-14T14:21:00.004+09:00

This post was meant for yesterday but as blogger was down all day...

This has been a very frustrating 2WW so far for several reasons. First off, I actually have no idea when I ovulated, how many follies I had (though it wouldn't have been more than two) and etc etc. I had no idea that a non-monitored cycle would be so stressful. I could be anywhere between 6 to 8 days dpo, so symptom spotting, knowing whether to POAS is very confusing and frustrating.

Secondly, and I am aware that this is a little stupid, but there are so many ladies IVF cycling on exactly the same days that I somehow got it in my head that I was on the same calendar as them. Everyone is having their beta tests now, so I kind of thought that I should be close to a possible testing date by now, which in reality I am not. I am actually about a week behind them.

Blogger being down was very weird yesterday, as I hadn't realised how caught up I was in other people's lives until there is nothing new to read and I wasn't able to comment on people's posts. I found myself really worrying about people. For example Princess Wahna Bea Mama had posted her great beta test results earlier in the day, before the blogger outage. Later I clicked back to see if I could comment, but the post had disappeared! Oh my god, I thought, what's happened? Has the worst happened and she's removed the post? It took me a while to realise that all of the posts from the previous days had disappeared on nearly everyone's blogs. Phew!

As I wasn't able to read blogs all day I went out and did something else. In the end, I went shopping for skirts for work. Instead I bought 2 pairs of cut off trousers and ended up in a cat cafe. In case you don't know, a cat cafe is a place where you go and drink coffee, with about 20 cats. You're allowed to feed and pet the cats, but not pick them up. Here are some photos I took with my iPhone

It was a lot of fun, but the cats were all spoiled and only wanted to play with people who had treats for them. I also didn't hear any of them purring at all. There was one guy, called Sweet Potato (고구마) who really reminded me of the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. Whenever I tried to give a treat to another cat he would literally knock that cat's head out the way and steal the treat. My own cat at home is much cuter and playful and I'm allowed to pick him up. My cat is not a pedigree, and has a weird eye gunk problem, but he's loveable. I felt so guilty about playing with the other cats I went on to spent $35 on a toy that so far he won't play with.

In other news, I tried to get over my superstition about the pregnancy seat on the bus. On Korean public transport they have special priority seats, as they do in nearly every country in the world. On a Korean bus there are not only priority seats, but also a special pink pregnancy seat (as in the picture above). In the past I have tried not to sit in the seat, worrying about tempting fate as I wasn't pregnant. Yesterday I decided I was being an idiot, and so sat down.

Close a door, open a window (I hope)

2011-05-09T23:09:00.006+09:00

Two posts today, though the earlier one was a bit 'nothing' so I don't feel bad about it.

I've made a a tough decision about work over the past few weeks. A while back I posted about a training opportunity that is coming up that takes a whole year, but would provide significant advancement opportunities. I was unsure whether to go for it, as while I don't want to put my life on hold for a pregnancy that may not happen, I also didn't want to take a place, and then drop out later, while someone who can finish the course might have missed out on an opportunity because of me.

I've decided, after a lot of thought, not to go for it. I really want to, but I also know that realistically if I do I would have put baby-making on hold for that year. I see the people doing the training course this year, who are all mega stressed and combine that with the stress of IVF... no thank you. I prefer to trundle along at work in my current role for another year, and be able to pursue fertility treatment without any additional stress.

I've been back and forth on this for weeks now, but ultimately I came to the decision that I wasn't willing to put IVF on hold. I was really down for most of last year, and it was only when we started pursuing ttc again that my mood lifted. I know that I can't go back to doing nothing, at least not at the moment.

I also looked at the situation logically, and reminded myself that this year is not the only opportunity I will ever have to do this training - I can do it in five or ten years even. I have at least 30 years left of my working life, I'm sure I'll have the chance somewhere in there. I have a bit of an obsession with people who are my age being 'better' than me, and I need to stop that.

It's weird because even though our lives and working lives are getting longer, our fertile years aren't (by much anyway) I've been dwelling on it a bit with making my decision, and then when I saw this story today I knew I'd made the right choice.

Nothing Much...

2011-05-09T08:49:00.003+09:00

Unlike most of the blogosphere, yesterday wasn't Mother's Day for me - it was Parent's Day in Korea, but it doesn't affect me at all as my parents are in the UK and our Mother's Day was a month or so ago.

There's not much going on for me. I calculated that I will probably have ovulated sometime between Thursday and Sunday, based on when I hadn't ovulated last Clomid cycle (I was triggered 13 days post Clomid day 1.) I have also had some tenderness which may have indicated ovulation sometime over the weekend.

So to be on the safe side I've had my husband on a 2-day schedule since Tuesday last week, to finish this coming Tuesday, just to be on the safe side (sorry if TMI, but this is a blog about trying to conceive, and that's what we're trying to do!)

I swing wildly between hope and hopelessness.

Children's Day

2011-05-06T09:39:00.004+09:00

Yesterday was Children's Day here in Korea. That's right, they have not just mothers and fathers day to kick you in the teeth, but also a whole day to celebrate children. When I was little, like most people in my office it seems, I said to my parents 'Why is there Mother's Day and Father's Day but no Children's Day?' to which they replied...

'Every day is children's day!'

It's not just a day on the calendar in Korea. Oh no, it's a national holiday and very few people go to work. Very few except me, as my school stayed open so as not to mess up our term schedule. (The same applies to Buddha's Birthday and National Independence Movement Declaration Day or whatever the damn day is called) So while my husband got to swan around all day*, I had to go to work and organise our Children's Day hoopla.

The irony is that in Korea, every day really is children's day. As a culture, on the surface at least, there is little that is more important than having children. Couples who are married but childless are constantly badgered by their families about it. Educated, professional women give up work to stay at home not through choice but because maternity leave is practically non-existent and it is the expected thing to do. Korean parents spend a huge portion of their income on private after school academies (I have heard around 50% but I haven't found any hard evidence of that. I do know it's high because I know what my school charges for 3 hours of tuition a week, and these kids go to 4 or 5 different academies in a week.)

Korea has a crisis in public education and parents have very little faith in the public school system. Rather than pay more taxes to attempt to improve it, parents prefer to push their children through various after school classes every day. Even if you feel your child doesn't need to go to Maths Academy, or, and whisper this very, very quietly, you can't afford it, he still must go because the other children in his class go. If he gets even one page behind them in the text book then his hopes for entering a good university are dashed and you have failed as a parent.

The double irony of this is that the cost of having children, along with crazy long-hours working culture, has pushed the birth rate waaay down. It is now below Japan, and one of the lowest in the world (some studies say the lowest). Over the next ten-twenty years Korea will need more than a million immigrants to fill the upcoming gaps in their workforce. This is perhaps why fertility treatment, including IVF, is relatively affordable (but that's a post for another day... promise.)

Sacrifice for your children is expected, and everyone does it. The basic system of Korean culture is that you sacrifice for your children, and then they will look after you when you are old. I once had a student look at me disgusted because I didn't send money to my parents. The fact that they were both still working at the time, were both department managers and making a lot more than I did was irrelevant. It was my duty to look after them, and send them money every month.

So yesterday was a day to celebrate children. The area I work in was turned into a giant street fayre, and I had to walk past dozens of strollers and babies and small children (I'm not jealous of older children, I teach them and I know what a pain they can be) just to get into the office. But you know, it wasn't so bad. Maybe it's because we're actively pursuing treatment now, maybe because I've only had one failed IUI so far so things still seem hopeful. I don't know why, I just know that it wasn't so bad.

*Actually my husband works incredibly hard and I don't begrudge him his day off, I just wish I could have spent the whole day with him.

The Old Fashioned Way

2011-05-05T18:51:00.005+09:00

I'm going to talk about something very personal which you don't see much of on the IF blogs (for clear reasons): my sex life.

Before we knew we had problems conceiving, we had a pretty normal sex life (so far as I know anyway!). But then I had the ectopic, and then we were told that we couldn't conceive without serious help, and everything changed.

I found I felt very sad after sex. I realised quite quickly it was because the hope of making a baby had been removed. We had been trying for over a year, and I hadn't given up the idea that it might happen for us. I would have that hope,and it was then taken away.

After that I kind of wondered what the point was. Things like intimacy and pleasure didn't seem enough any more. Sex just didn't have the joy it had had before. From the fact that my husband didn't really protest about the lack of sex he was(n't) having suggests to me he felt the same or similar. He's quite uncomfortable discussing these kinds of things directly, so I don't know for sure.

I've had to reprogram the way I think about sex, and try to return to my younger years before I was ever trying for a baby. It's been difficult and sad, and to be honest I'm not there yet.

This makes going back to trying the old fashioned way this cycle somewhat strange. I had just kind of got used to sex not being about baby making anymore, and now it is again (even though the chances are small, or possibly non existent). I feel like I'm reconnecting emotionally with my husband again in a way that we haven't for a long while.

It's really difficult to put this into words, because I'm not 100% sure what I'm actually feeling, and also while I'm happy enough talking about speculums and ultrasound wands, actually talking about sex seems far more personal!

Genuine Question

2011-05-03T11:26:00.003+09:00

Genuine query:

As I have a follicle on each side, but I'm not being triggered, will I ovulate at different times or the same time? It sounds really dumb, but I just realised that I don't know. Does this make my 'fertile window' longer?